In addition to my repeat mammo this past week, I also spent one night in the hospital with chest pain. I had been having moderate to severe pain all day in my left chest, and I began to worry when I experienced tingling in my jaw and shooting pains down my left arm. I have virtually no risk factors for heart disease so I was fairly sure I wasn't having a heart attack, but we couldn't afford to be wrong, so off to Urgent Care we went. Two tips: if you complain of chest pain it puts you on the fast track to being seen immediately, and if you ever have chest pain do NOT go to Urgent Care, go straight to the ER. That is where they said I needed to be, so they sent me off to the ER via ambulance.
After two EKG's, two blood tests, several baby aspirin, an IV, oxygen, an overnight stay and a stress test it was determined that I did not have a heart attack and they sent me home. No idea what is causing the pain (which I still have) or why it so closely mimiced what a heart attack "typically" feels like.
So it has been a bit of a stressful week. I am thankful that all the individual tests and procedures I had this week showed nothing wrong, but I still have several areas of unexplained pain. I do have an appt with my regular Dr tomorrow morning to discuss where we go from here. Is there an underlying cause for the pain? Something that's treatable? Is it normal aging? Just something to live with? Lots of questions as yet unanswered.
I was afraid the day of the chest pain. It took me by surprise. I had moments of fear leading up to my repeat mammo, but God gave incredible peace too. Since becoming a mother I have struggled at times with fear over the safety and welfare of my children. And I realized this week that that was the crux of the fear I was struggling with. I don't want to die, but I am not afraid to die. I am ready to die, I know where I'm going, and at times I can't wait to get there! But I am afraid for my children. What would happen to them if something happened to me? My husband is an amazing dad, but he's a DAD. Honestly, he would have a hard time being a mom too (as I would have a hard time being a dad if the opposite were to happen). God is sovereign, I believe that, and He can and does weave what we consider to be tragic into something beautiful that glorifies Him. But I began to wonder if I really trusted God totally and completely with my children. Do I only trust a little? Only when things are going well? When the rubber meets the road, do I trust Him utterly with my precious children? I know I want to.
I am still wrestling with and praying over these thoughts. I had to chew on this a bit before I was ready to share publicly. Pray for me, that I will learn what it is God is trying to teach me, and that I would rest completely in His love for not only me, but for the 5 beautiful souls He has entrusted to us.
Edited at 11:15 pm to say that our daughter G is home and tucked into her own bed right now. I am supremely happy.
oh my goodness P - what night were you in the hospital??
ReplyDeletewhat you wrote here i think every mother can relate to. i really believe a lack of trust is what causes us to be controlling and to keep a tight grip. me, at least.
dedicating my kids to God has become an exercise... not just something i did once when they were born.
oh the wonder of being a mother - what a privilege and gift. but, then, there's that emotional side that's heavy and presses down on us.
please don't hesitate to ask if there is anything our family can do as you have appointments to go to.
p.s. i so enjoyed having lunch with you today... i loved sitting next to A and getting an upclose look at him. he is beautiful and SMART. (with the exception of not knowing what a biscuit was - haha!!)
I've had every feeling you're expressed! How scary! Praying for the cause of this pain to be quickly determined and fixed!
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Laurie
WOW! P, you have had quite a week! As S said, if you need anything, please, please call!
ReplyDeleteI agree, S, that I can totally relate to your post...especially the part about dying...I don't fear what will happen to me, or where I will go...I, too, actually look forward to it. I worry so for my children and my husband...and want to be here for them, too...I totally get that. I don't want to miss what they do and who they become. I have a lot of fear about this having lost my mom at such a young age. You really articulated what I feel.
I like what S said, too, dedicating your children to God is an exercise...I need to remind myself of that...constantly.
Wow, again. What a heavy thing to think about. Oy.