The birth and death of baby Audrey this week (see my "Blog that blesses me" entry two posts down) has rather captivated my attention. This sweet little baby was born alive yesterday afternoon, lived for just over 2 hours, and then went home to be with Jesus. During her short hours of life she was able to meet her 3 older sisters, be lovingly bathed by her daddy, and be loved on by her family. It was poignant to imagine their joy at seeing her alive, and their sorrow at watching her pass from this life. Now her amazing mama must recover from a c-section, while grieving and planning for her tiny daughter's memorial service. Please keep the Smith family in your prayers during the difficult weeks and months ahead.
Their grief has become my grief. For those of you who have been touched by grief, you know that it is a continuous cycle or tide that comes and goes, sometimes unexpectedly. I believe this is normal and good. There is no "getting over" a deep loss, but there is a "learning to live with it comfortably" that comes with time.
If you are a regular blog reader you know that we have suffered the loss of several children before they were born. The fact that we have 5 healthy children does not lessen the grief we have felt for the loss of the others. All of our children are deeply loved and wanted, and we recognize each of them as unique people created by God.
I used to ponder the "easier/harder" dilemma quite a bit......was it "easier" to lose them before we knew them? Would it be "harder" to lose them if they died after birth? After 2 years? After 10? After 30? Of course I do believe it would be harder to lose them later, after having known them, but I also think there is a sweetness in having known them that is missed when they die before birth. And I have come to understand that while there are many kinds of grief, none of them are "easy". They are just different.
It has been nearly two years since we lost our sweet little twins at the end of my first trimester. I am still learning much from that journey (am probably still ON that journey). One thing that struck me so vividly in the early days and weeks of the twins' miscarriage was that God seemed to be answering "no" to all my requests. That sounds like a negative thing, but stay with me! When we first learned that they weren't as big as they should be and probably weren't growing right, we also learned one of the babies was quite a bit bigger than the other one. We began to fervently pray that God would spare our babies, and that at the very least He would allow the biggest one to thrive.
God answered no to both of those requests. The babies died and we chose to let the miscarriage happen naturally at home. It was a very sad time, of course. I had to grieve in bits and pieces in between the normal rhythm of our family life. We managed to finish our home school year during this time, I honestly don't remember how. Our two oldest children played soccer for the first time that spring, so we had twice weekly practices and games every Saturday. Our church family graciously brought us meals for quite a while. Somehow life went on, but it was as if my body moved and breathed in one reality while my soul anguished in another.
The physical aspect of the miscarriage lasted 6 weeks. It was an agonizingly long time. During those weeks I prayed that God would allow the babies to pass from my body intact, so that I might at least see them and be allowed to say goodbye to actual physical babies. After it dragged on so long I realized that the likelihood of my prayer being answered was very small. I went in for another ultrasound and it showed that my uterus was empty. I was still spotting but there was really nothing left to miscarry. It was very hard for me to relinquish that desire to the Lord. It seemed like such a small thing for Him to be able to accomplish, yet it would have meant so much to me.
Does God's nature change when He says "no"? Does He somehow become capricious just because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do? How does God show His love for me? Does He love me less when He allows hard things? No. God is faithful. Unchanging. He displayed His love in all its agony and glory when Christ died for me and 3 days later overcame the power of death and rose to life again! He is full of compassion. I felt Him weep with me and walk with me through the loss of our babies. Even though He chose to allow this pain, I know it pained Him to do so. I didn't understand why so many of my private prayers had been answered "no", but I trusted that He knew best and continually prayed for more trust.
Then an amazing thing happened. When I was least expecting it and thought that the physical miscarriage was virtually over, my body finally released the bigger, stronger of the two babies. Intact. When I had accepted all of God's no's, He chose to give me a totally unexpected yes. It was not the BIG yes that I had wanted most, but it was a sweet, comforting, tender yes that whispered His love and care to me.
God's nature is good. He is a good God. He is good when bad things happen. He is good when good things happen. He is good when my heart is at peace. He is good when I am troubled and don't understand. He is good. Period. My circumstances don't change His nature. Can you imagine what a truly awful world it would be if our circumstances DID dictate the nature of God?!
So, all this long personal story to say that God is. He is good. He loves me. He loves the Smiths. He loves baby Audrey. I like to imagine baby Audrey and our twins (which I have imagined are two girls) completely whole, running to Jesus in heaven, climbing on His lap and kissing his face. Perhaps they were welcomed to heaven by my dear grandparents. I can't wait to meet them one day and to meet the One in whose presence they are complete and perfect.
Thank you, Lord, for the hope of heaven. Not a wishful thinking kind of hope, but a surety that hasn't yet come to pass. Thank you that You are real. Thank you for your great love. You have experienced the deepest, most intense kind of grief, so You are able to lift and carry us when we are incapable of going on. I love you Lord. I would be lost without you. When there are no words, You are there. Thank you. Thank you.
What sad but heart-lifting stories -- I will continue to pray for Audrey's family, and I understand your pain. I also lost a little one between my dd and my oldest ds -- in my 13th week. It was a "missed miscarriage" with no symptoms except for a tiny bit of spotting. We had no idea nything was wrong until the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. The screen was facing me, and I could see the baby, still as could be. He had died about three weeks before we found out. Because my body had not expelled him, I had to have a D&C as a infection was starting. I don't know whether it was easier or harder that way -- to wake up (at least they put me out) suddenly NOT pregnant after a full trimester with hardly a physical sign that anything had changed was very difficult to take. And my family (actually dh's family) was far less than helpful. My baby was due the same week as BOTH of my sis-in-laws' babies, but one sis-in-law didn't tell us that she was pregnant until a few days after my miscarriage -- right in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. No advanced warning -- just a general announcement to the whole family, and I couldn't go anywhere to deal with my emotions as my car was trapped behind theirs on the driveway. I had to act happy for them while I was screaming inside. And they told me that it was my fault my feelings got hurt -- if I hadn't told anyone until the baby was "safe" then none of my hurt feelings would have been at issue. I still have to keep forgiving them sometimes for their words and actions during those dark days.... So both sis-in-laws had their babies, and my arms were empty. And then the sis-in-law who had hurt my feelings stuck her premie into daycare when she was only four weeks old, despite having her in the hospital for three weeks before she could come home. That was hard, too -- I wanted a baby so badly and she didn't want to stay home with hers at all or she "would go crazy with a baby crying all day." She didn't even take all her maternity leave but went back to work 10 hours a day as soon as she could. I didn't get pregnant again until after Ian's due date had passed, but then God gifted me with three lovely boys. :) He is good, even when we don't understand it, when it seems to make no sense at all to us.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that Audrey's family has some sweet memories of their darling girl -- I would have loved to have had some closure like that in my case, I think, even if in some ways it would have been harder. I'm a person who needs closure, and I didn't get it in my case. But God certainly taught me SO MUCH during that time, especially about my sins of self-sufficiency and independence -- I wouldn't be so dependent on Him now if it weren't for those dark days of grief. His comfort is awe-inspiring -- I actually physically felt His presence at one time when I was really crying out to Him! What a gift!
Sorry I'm rambling here ... the stories you told brought forth a whole pile of my own, obviously. I definitely best get to bed -- it's nearly 2 AM here!
what a beautiful post pam. i have thought of you a lot this past week as i virtually experienced the smith's loss.
ReplyDeletei love your title... grief and gratitude. He gives and takes away - Blessed be the name of the Lord.
Last night after gardening I sat here following the link you left for the baby Audrey web site. I sat listening to the poignant music, reading the heart wrenching story, and remembering.
ReplyDeleteI miscarried our first baby in the first trimester. We had gone out "shopping," gleefully anticipating the baby we would one day hold and use all those fun accessories for. Then the next day I started bleeding. By Good Friday, I found out it was definitely a miscarriage. Easter morning and a few days after most of the miscarriage took place. (Easter week has never been the same. Ever since I have given much pause and reflection, as well as grief, as to the meaning of Easter.) I went in for biweekly hormone blood tests. Weeks later I got the results that the miscarriage was complete. But my soul ached. And I got very sick. I was worn out. Less than a year from the miscarriage, I had another baby in my arms...my daughter.
When I was starting my second trimester with my son, I was bleeding again. Initial test results showed various scenarios, including a genetic condition where the baby would die after birth. I lived with that knowledge for 2 weeks before we got the test results back. Although this was still a pregnancy to monitor, and his life was at stake (and ultimately mine), there was great hope. But to live with the knowledge even for 2 weeks that you would give birth to a baby you'd have to say goodbye to was painful. My prayers are with you and this family, Pam.
Blessings,
Laurie
Oh Pam, thank you so much for typing this out and sharing your heart. I appreciate your vulnerability and honesty so much. I agree that there is no "getting over" a deep loss and I do think about you and your sweet babies quite often. I smiled when I read that you imagine your twins as girls. My heart hurts for you, for the Smiths, for Chris S., for your friends who left comments and shared their stories, and for all the other women who experience such deep losses. But thank you for reminding us that God is good. period. He is good and we cling to that truth.
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