Our oldest is heading into sixth grade, which means several changes for her here in our homeschool, and also at church. At home it means being graded on every assignment in every subject, beginning Latin, an introduction to literary analysis, and more reading (for information in content areas, not just for pleasure). At church it means moving into the middle school youth group. Our daughter knows all our expectations for her regarding schoolwork, and has "accepted" some and is excited about others. She is definitely excited about going to the middle school youth group, not so much because she knows what it's like and is excited to participate, but because it's such an obvious sign of growing up.
In this post, I shared how we were visiting the youth group and praying about which programs/events to allow G to participate in. Here it is 5 months later and I still have mixed feelings. Some of my blog readers attend my church, and some of you have children in this same youth group. PLEASE don't be offended by my own hesitations. My mixed feelings are not a judgement on *your* children attending, but I am realizing more and more that they stem from a philosophical difference of opinion in what a youth group should be like and what it should be for. There are many wonderful things about our middle school youth group (and high school too for that matter) and there is definitely spiritual growth happening, and opportunities to serve and love others. So what is my problem you might ask?
That growth appears to be limited to a small number of kids. In talking with the youth pastor, seeing what his overall vision is and the steps he takes to achieve that vision, and in talking with lots of other parents, it appears that there is a disconnect between the huge, high energy, "bring your friends" meeting on Wed night, and the small group opportunity where kids can really dig into the Word of God and be held accountable. In other words, lots of kids come on Wed night and to special events, while the small groups are pretty small and have remained relatively stable in size over the course of several years. I'm not suggesting that this is "wrong" necessarily, but I'm wondering what it means. Could it mean that we are attracting lots of youth to the fun and games but not attracting them to the truth of God's Word? Why is that? How could we do better? Is this "normal"? The way it has to be? Why? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't it be different? If the number of kids who are really committed to the Lord and are learning to serve Him in a variety of ways remains constant over the years, are we really growing?
I don't know the answers to these questions. I do know that being a youth pastor or a youth worker is hard work (I saw it up close and personal for many years) and I pray for ours. It is often a thankless job, and one which can receive lots of criticism. I don't want my questions to be interpreted as criticism because I truly do not have a critical spirit when I ask. I would love an open dialogue on what youth are truly seeking and what are the best ways to help them find it. I could be way off base, or the Lord could be placing this check in my spirit for the level of involvement only our children will have, or it could be that many others are asking these same questions and there is a better way to "do" youth groups. Maybe there is a whole different paradigm we need to find. I don't know.
Meanwhile, September is fast approaching and we have to make a decision on whether or not to allow our daughter to attend on Wed nights. I honestly don't know where she'd go instead, since I have a ministry commitment on those evenings and my hubby has work related meetings two Wed nights a month. It would be so much easier to just let her go. And that may be what we do. But I am not convinced yet that is the best thing for her. Our children have picked up so much undesirable behavior from the neighbor kids, so my point of reference right now is perhaps skewed a little toward the "isolationist" side. Please pray with us for wisdom and peace as we wrestle with this decision.
I cannot begin to expound on how similar our feelings are. We, too, have neighborhood kid issues. We are two years away from facing the middle school years with our eldest. And she is our strong-willed, try-to-stop-me child. I know that our youth pastor is doing the best that he can, but he has four children (under the age of four)of his own to concentrate on. The one thought I had was, is there some way that your daughter can volunteer to work with, say the pre-K kids, during the Wednesday evening time. That way she will be occupied while you have commitments, and she can be serving as well. Just a thought. Blessings,
ReplyDeleteJennifer
i don't think there is a right or wrong answer. everyone needs to do what is BEST for each individual child. that may mean some, but not all of your kids attend some youth events. or that some, but not all, join a small group.
ReplyDeleteand each child can give different signal and cues as to what is right or wrong for them too.
all 3 of older kids have surprised me more than once in sending a signal that was opposite what i thot they would want to do (or what i really thot they should do), and i ended up being wrong.
i currently have a m.s. student (well, acutally incoming h.s. student) who does not care to participate in hardly anything social with our youth group. i still haven't figured out if it's for legitimate reasons, or if i need to insist.
always lots to pray about!
Great questions! Even though our kids are just a few years younger, my husband and I have visited about these same topics so many times. And, often, I feel isolationistic (is that even a word :)) in our thinking.
ReplyDeleteThese years are so critical. I agree with Jennifer's suggestion about the volunteering with younger kids. And yet, that too has its difficulties.
Praying with you,
Laura
My kids have many years to go before hitting middle school...so my views may change by then, but I did attend a large youth group starting in middle school. Don't assume because there are kids attending on Wed. night who aren't doing small groups or aren't "getting deep," that the youth group isn't a good program. It may be laying a foundation for these kids. They are hearing the Word. It might just not all "click" for them yet. I'm speaking from experience - I went to youth group mostly for the fun. I wasn't a Christian at the time and many years later when I found a Bible teaching church to attend as an adult the seeds had already been planted. I went on to become a youth group adult leader at my church and had 16 H.S. girls meeting in my basement for small group. I can appreciate your hesitancy regarding letting your daughter go to youth group - you are absolutely right to question whether it's a good thing for her or not. And ultimately, it's your choice as her parent. However, I'd encourage you to let her hang out with kids her own age in a supervised setting. She probably has alot to offer to her peers - either as an outspoken leader or as a quieter "friend/confidant" (I don't know your daugher's personality) to the girls she will meet there. Just my two cents. Thanks so much for sharing your experiences with us.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean, Pam. There is a lot to consider and wrestle with when it comes to programs for our children. And then you'll have to evaluate for the next child too! Keep on asking the good questions and praying.
ReplyDelete