Tomato Staking

The parenting kind, not the gardening kind. :-)

If you are unfamiliar with this term, it means that just as a tomato plant must be staked in order to grow tall and straight and strong and produce fruit that doesn't rot, children at times need to be "staked" to their parent in order to develop character that is strong and straight as well. This means that the child must literally be physically close to the parent at all times, usually because the child cannot be trusted to follow through on anything once out of the parent's sight. When you have toddlers this becomes a moot point because the toddler is never far from the parent to begin with, but when you have older children this becomes a major reigning in of freedom they have become accustomed to.

When I broke my finger last weekend and got the cast on, I will admit I was rather bummed. We had planned to start school this past Wed after two last intense prep days for me (Mon and Tues). I had a bunch of stuff to do on the computer for MOPS, the Mothers of Preschoolers ministry I am involved with, and had deeply desired to help out at the home of a dear friend who is currently hospitalized. All of these plans had to change. It is taking a ridiculously long time for me to finger peck type this, all writing and most of the physical prep needed for school just has to wait until I get my cast off. And I won't even mention what the kitchen looks like.....

Well.....God is so good. How thankful I am that His ways are higher than mine! I believe that perhaps He slowed me down this week so that I could focus my energies on something infinitely more important. The character of my children.

About a month ago one of our children was caught in a series of intentional, deliberate lies told directly to my face. We were very hurt, me in particular. The child suffered an immediate consequence and a longer term consequence that is still on-going. We talked with this child about how lies not only dishonor God, they damage human relationships too. Over the course of several days, in calm moments, we brought up these points again. We worked on tangible ways to help this child measure their improvement (positively pointing out every time they told the truth). I really felt that we were making progress, and that the child was working to restore our trust in him.

Three days ago this same child was caught in an act of deceit. Clearly, we were not making progress.

The child sat in their room for over an hour while I prayed and called my hubby at work to ask him to pray also. He was in a meeting at the time and didn't have time to hear all the details, but I told him that the same child had been caught in deceit and that we could talk more about it when he got home. When he arrived home we discovered that independently of each other, God had quietly led us both to the same conclusion. We had to tomato stake this child.

He cannot be in the basement playing in the toyroom unless I am down there with him. He cannot play in the backyard unless I am sitting on the patio watching him. He cannot ride his bike around our loop (our street is a long cul de sac) unless I am sitting in the front yard watching him. When I am sitting at the table trying to do paperwork, he must be sitting with me. When I am in the kitchen with a plastic bag over my cast trying to wash dishes, he must be helping me. Two days ago we made a trip to the library to pick up a few books for school (driving is hard, but thankfully I can do it!). Everyone else was allowed to look through the picture book section and choose some books for fun, while this child had to come with me to the non-fiction stacks and find the right book on Napoleon. He cried and asked me why and I quietly told him that the other children had not lied to me. He had nothing to say to that. Right now he is sitting on the couch 3 feet away as I type. This is a major crimp in his freedom and he hates it, but it has already provided so many additional opportunities for extra training and (I pray) has been the literal picture of what broken trust looks like that he needed in order to understand. He is now praying every day that God will help him to be "gooder" and that I will trust Him again.

From my perspective as the "stake" it is not always pleasant either, but I am the parent. It is to me and my hubby that God has given authority to raise these blessings from Him, and it is to Him that we will one day give an account. This is at times a heavy responsibility, but He has not left us alone to figure out how to do it! He gives hourly grace and courage and perseverence and wisdom. Though this is not what I had planned for the week, it is infinitely more important than grammer and multiplication and the course of the French Revolution.

So if the Lord brings us to mind this week, please pray that our son will have a heart change, and that we will have the wisdom and perseverence to parent well. And now I am off to tackle the kitchen with my staked tomato plant!