Transition - Part 2

Transition is pretty much just a fancy word for change.

Most people don't like change.  Change is hard.  It is unknown and unpredictable.  Even changes that we want and look forward to, like learning to live as a married person, or getting a new job, or having a new baby, can be difficult to navigate. 

I am in a pretty intense season of change, of which our daughter H moving out is only one part.  It is really hard and painful at times, but also really, really good.  The Holy Spirit is showing me, mercifully in bits and pieces, how many bad habits I had developed, particularly when it came to how I related to my children and how I attempted to resolve conflict.  And there just hasn't been a lot of time and mental space to learn to do things differently until now.  The crisis of the week (or day) took most of my time and energy.

So I am very, very grateful that God is so patient with me.  Patient in timing.  Patient in revealing things when I am ready to see them.  And patient with me as I process the information and suss out what He wants me to learn.  He is so very good!  What a good, good Father we have in God.

I am also very grateful for such a patient husband, and such patient and resilient children, who love me in spite of the mistakes I make with them!

Here is some of what I am learning:

~ how secondary trauma has affected the way I view the world

~ how having anger directed at me by one person has affected the way I anticipate interactions with others

~ how those anticipations and assumptions are almost always wrong

~ how forgiveness is the perfect antidote to anger

~ how to put healthy emotional boundaries in place

~ how to better see things from another person's point of view without getting defensive


These are BIG things to learn.  GOOD things!!  But it is a process and I am not finished yet.  (again, thankful for God's patience!)  It is a really wonderful thing to be 55 and still learning new things. :)

Transition is hard.  But it can lead to better than before.  That is what I want.  That is what I am praying and working for.  And by God's grace, that is what is happening in my life.

Happy Birthday to me!

I had a fun and wonderful celebration of my birthday over the weekend.  It started with me getting to pick the Friday night movie.  I picked "Return to Me," which is a heart-wrenching, sweet, funny love story about a man whose first wife died in an accident, falling in love with the woman who had received his wife's heart.  The new girlfriend's grandpa and his old cronie friends bring comic relief to the movie, and another married friend with 5 children brings friendship perspective, healthy married love, and a fair bit of swearing to the movie.  It brought up some great topics for conversation.

Then on Saturday my beloved took me out for dinner while all of our children were otherwise occupied away from the house.  A wonderful date!

And on Sunday our college girl came home for the afternoon to celebrate with me!  My hubby spend the entire afternoon cooking a fabulous birthday dinner, and then we all went to the cheap theater to see the animated movie, "Sing," which we thoroughly enjoyed.

I broke my sugar fast for a small piece of cake and one scoop of ice cream.  Back to it today!

Senior discounts, here I come!!! :)

My Birthday Week!

Well, we've done a lot of living since last I posted!  I had a birthday, which wouldn't necessarily be noteworthy except my mom came to visit for a week during that time, and she introduced me to the idea of having a whole birth WEEK instead of just a birth DAY.  We went and picked up our college girl so that all my chickies were home AND my mom was here for my birthday - perfection!

When we picked up daughter G we got to see this recent project she had made for her 3D art class.  It had to be geometric, and made from wood.

Out for lunch on my birthday.

We found grafitti alley!

One thing I really wanted to do while my mom was here was to have a fun girl outing.  We went to a pottery painting shop and created together!

This is what I made.  I used my mom's and both my daughter's fingerprints for the leaves.

And after it was fired in the kiln.  I love it!!

 My mother in law and my mother!  Two special ladies.

Brother and sister.....always such a treat to have daughter G home!  (even if they are bonding over her new smart phone)

It was a great week and I felt very celebrated!

Random

Borrowed from a friend...





What we're eating.....we had tacos tonight.  Roasted chicken in the crockpot tomorrow.  I haven't thought farther than that.

What I'm reminiscing about....when my kids were little and had smaller sized problems.

What I'm loving.... the fact that my hubby fixed a tire/brake problem last weekend so no more grinding noise when I drive!

What we've been up to.... we saw "The Martian" for movie night last Friday. Great movie!!  Really thought provoking.  Major theme was problem solving.  Two f words and a smattering of other swear words would make it hard for me to recommend to families with younger children, but wow, just so good.

What I'm dreading....being tired tomorrow after staying up late to get ready for the class I teach at co-op.  (why am I blogging when I should be prepping??)

What I'm working on...sewing a half curtain for our front closet (took off the doors last year) and painting our upstairs bathroom ceiling in preparation for......

What I'm excited about....MY MOM IS COMING HERE FOR MY BIRTHDAY IN TWO WEEKS!!!

What I'm watching/reading....watching Married at First Sight and really getting invested in the three couples.  After extensive interviews and personality tests, etc, three couples are matched and agree to marry each other without meeting first.  They literally meet at the altar and must stay married for six weeks before deciding if they want to stay married long term or get a divorce.  They have a lot of support from four "experts" during this six week period.  I find it to be a fascinating social experiment, and really highlights what makes marriages work.   Much of the experts' advice is surprisingly good.  Two of the couples I think might make it last.  The other one, not so much.  I do not care for the wife of this third couple.  She isn't trying very hard and is making her poor husband miserable.  What I am reading is The Count of Monte Cristo ~ 1400 pages nearly done!!  Super great story, really enjoying it.

What I'm listening to....piano, drum, and singing practice.  Happiness!

What I'm wearing....jeans and a sweater.  I got a new top that I'm excited to wear to co-op tomorrow!  Maybe it will make me less tired. :)

What I'm doing this weekend....going to a funeral. :(

What I'm looking forward to next month....the official start of spring.

What else is new....my prayer life is being challenged and grown and I am learning to lean in harder to God.  It's scary and wonderful.

Thankful

Hello bloggy world.  It's been a long time.

Yes, I have been busy.  Aren't we all?

Yes, fall for homeschoolers is a time when we prioritize the "schooling" part of our day, and that has taken precedence.

Yes, I have experienced many emotional ups and downs adjusting to having our oldest away at college, and all the changes that brings.

All of the above.

And in addition, our shepherding of daughter H going to public school turned out to be extremely difficult.  The stress, expectations, and perceptions she brought to that experience just completely overwhelmed her.  When she is overwhelmed her go-to behavior is to lash out in anger at anyone and anything around her.  Which was usually me.  When your heart is shredded, and your other children are hurting, and you are chronically tired and financially stretched, and every week brings a new previously-un-imagined hardship.....what do you say?

How do you couch "difficult" in encouraging language which does not portray anyone in a bad light and does not turn into a pity party?

I didn't know.  And so I remained silent.

I still don't know.  But I will share what I DO know......God is still in control. :)  He is sovereign.  Nothing that has happened this fall has surprised Him.  He is strong enough to handle every single one of my stressors, and personal enough to care about each of them.  He has been WITH US.  Every day.  Every hour.  Every moment.  Giving strength and wisdom and insight and comfort and peace.  He loves my children even more than I do, and each of them are in His hands.  He is so, so good.

As our family prepares for our Thanksgiving feast tomorrow, I have so much to be thankful for!

Daughter H came home from public school two weeks ago and said she was done.  She hated it, hated who she was becoming, and didn't want to go back.  We enrolled her in a charter high school and so far it has been a GREAT fit!  Academically focused, small, lots of structure, services and people in place to help her who are communicating well with us.  Here she is on her second "first" day of school:

Daughter G is home for the rest of the week.  Yay!!  Here is one of her projects for 2-D design class at college.

THIS boy got baptized last week. :)  :)  :)   He loves Jesus so much!  His heart for God makes mine smile.

These boys got braces.  We are using a dental school to save money, and so far we have been very happy with our experience.  The boys are not excited about having them on for the next two years, but very thankful that their teeth problems are being fixed.  Thank you, God.

I'm in the middle of a bedroom purge/room makeover (it will be months before it's completely done, so don't be expecting "after" pics any time soon!). As part of this process I went through my jewelry drawer and got rid of all the stuff I never wear.  I made this jewelry hanger for $6 and I love having most of my jewelry visible and accessible!  Some lucky people shopping at the thrift store are going to hit paydirt with all the jewelry I gave away.

This boy just finished driver's ed!  (this was as he was about to go for his first drive with the instructor.  He was not happy with me for wanting to take a picture, but trust me, he was very excited for the drive!)

We still have a house!  A nice warm one for these winter months, and we have plenty to eat.  We can worship God freely and openly.  We are safe, and do not live in fear of being bombed at any moment.  I feel almost guilty with our safe, plentiful existence.

But I am thankful that God is the same God whether we have plenty or not.  Whether we are always safe, or not.  Whether we are happy or not.  Whether there is strife in our home or not.  All the time, HE IS GOOD.

And THAT is all I really need to know.

New Hobby!

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to bring you.....four rows of crocheted dish rag! The first project of my new hobby.  It is easy, wonderfully relaxing, and provides instant gratification.  If I get good enough/fast enough, this may be what you are all getting for Christmas!

Transitions

This summer is one of transitions.

We are transitioning as a family to having one less in our daily homeschool.

Our oldest is transitioning to college.

My husband and I are transitioning to being parents of a young adult.

Very soon we will transition to having only one daughter in the house instead of two.

Lots of changes.

In my quiet moments I have been reflecting on these changes, and finding strength in the Lord to face them.  Almost no change is instantaneous.  Like a road trip whose destination is known but whose journey is not, they are gradual shifts, with pitfalls and emotional peaks along the way.  They are at the same time bitter and sweet.  I am so excited for daughter G to go to college, but I am going to miss her so much.  I am thankful the Lord has allowed us to finish the home school journey with her, but will miss planning out her school years.  I am grateful for the years we have been allowed to parent and disciple her on the road to adulthood, but I can't quite believe our years of active parenting (of her) are coming to an end.  She is going to have a full, rich life at college.  That is good.  But it is going to be so strange to not have her here at home, and in my humanness the anticipation of her absence doesn't feel good.

When I was growing up, my mother would often tell me and my sisters that feelings should be the caboose of our life, and faith should be the engine.  Feelings are very real, but they are not necessarily true indicators of reality.  How much better to base my life, by faith, on the God who is real and on what His Word declares to be true.  I am God's child and precious to Him, whether I feel like it or not. He is sovereign and the one in charge, whether I want Him to be or not.  He does love each of my children more than I do and is working for their good, whether it seems like it or not.

Throughout my life I have had many opportunities to exercise my faith muscle, and sad to say, I have not always done so.  At times my emotions have gotten the best of me.  But here I am, with more opportunities to trust.  To live by faith.  And I want to!  I find the cry of my heart to be, "Lord, I trust You.  Help me to trust You more!"

He is faithful.

He is loving.

He is good.

These are realities.  My feelings will change.  We will get through these transitions and life will go on, with new challenges and new emotions.  But the reality of who God is, the truth of His Word, and how He interacts with me....these will never change!  Thank you, God.

"....the Word of the Lord endures forever."   I Peter 1:25

Hard

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this week.

It's Friday and I am so glad to have made it to today, by God's grace.

He is so faithful.

I have much to learn about parenting a child with depression.  But I am thankful for all that God has taught me so far, and for just BEING with me as I struggle, and learn, and soldier on.  Our girl has had such a difficult fall and at times her grief has very nearly overwhelmed her.  In an attempt to not feel it to the point of being overwhelmed, she masks her grief and pain in anger.  And because I am in authority over her, am a safe person who has shown her unconditional love, and mostly because I'm here, that anger is nearly always directed at me.

It is a hard, hard thing to endure, even when I cognitively understand it.

And it is made even harder by the fact that the other children take up offenses for me.  At times the needs of various children appear to be at exact polar opposites, and meeting the needs of one can seem to have the effect of harming another.

BUT GOD.....

God can take what appears to be emotional harm and transform it into something else.  Something beautiful.  My mama's heart aches for my children who are in the midst of transformation.  I'm sure the butterfly isn't comfortable just before it breaks out of its crysallis, either.  But when God gives me glimpses of what He is accomplishing in my children's lives, it is absolutely amazing.

Please pray for our girl to let us comfort her.  Pray that she will trust completely in who God is.  Pray for daily strength and wisdom and grace for us as her parents.  And praise God with me that He is who He says He is, and He does what He has promised to do!

Update

Here is the longer version of life right now... mostly for my mom, who has undoubtedly been worrying about me! (love you, mom!)

I am insanely busy this fall.  Insanely.  Life is a constant juggling act of school, planning, correcting, remembering who has worship band practice when (3 different kids), who has soccer practice when (4 different kids), who needs to eat dinner early in order to go to aforementioned practices (5 different kids), who needs what in order to be ready for co-op classes on Tuesday (6 different kids), what I need to do to be ready to teach my classes on Tuesday (fortunately there is only 1 of me!), how to get 3 children to soccer games in different places at the same time.... with the usual grocery shopping, cooking, and laundry thrown in there.  And maybe some cleaning when I can't stand the house anymore.  Oh yes, and occasionally seeing my husband.

We are working diligently on daughter G's phase 2 driving hours, but for now I am still the only day-time driver in the family, so much of my afternoons and early evenings are spent chauffeuring.

Many moms go through this.  I know it is not unique to me.  And it is a temporary stage.

But this level of busy-ness is layered with the emotional work of helping daughter H through the loss of her first family and her bonding with us.  It is this emotional work and the lack of margin in my life that just overwhelmed me the last couple weeks.  There are many things we cannot change about our present circumstances, but there are a few things we can change.  We are working to create more margin in my life.  More down time.  More time for fun and relaxation.  More exercise.  More rest.  I am learning to let some things go.  Even more things than when my kids were little and I was physically exhausted all the time.

But the emotional work is just going to be hard work.  There's no getting around that.  I struggle with knowing how much to share here, on a public blog, about a very private matter.  How to communicate the delicate balance I am living... being the mom who daily loves and invests and cherishes and protects and works to learn the likes and dislikes and needs of my girl... while my girl continues to fruitlessly yearn for the love of her first mom.  The delicate balance between what my head knows and what my heart feels.

Sometimes the pain is so great I cry myself to sleep.  Yet it is nearly always mixed with joy.  Learning to live with this.... the way things are and are likely to be... accepting that daughter H's journey is her journey, and she will grow and change and wrestle and struggle and accept and grieve and blame and forgive in her own way and in her own time.... it's just hard.  Worthwhile, God planned, beautiful, mysterious, and hard.

That God is all over this I have no doubt.  And that gives me great hope.

In other news....

Daughter G and I went to our first college fair last week.  We visited the booths of about 7 colleges and had some great conversations with the representatives.  Daughter G felt a bit overwhelmed.  I felt like it was a great information gathering evening.  I have no idea how we will even begin to pay for college, but we are planning some college visits anyway, and dreaming and trusting.  Daughter G is very focused on trying to get art and academic scholarships.  She is highly motivated and very driven.  She has a pretty good idea of what she wants to study (art education) and can see how God could use her in a variety of ways in the future.  Such a great girl we have!

The recreational soccer teams that sons G and L are on have not done well this season with their win-loss records.  It is interesting for me to see how each son has responded to this.  Son G doesn't really care how many wins his team has.  He plays his best each time and just has fun.  Son L is very disappointed.  He had high hopes for his team (as did his coach) and now that they have no chance at the championship it is tempting for him to "give up".  We have told him over and over that his mind is the most powerful part of his body, but he is having a hard time winning the mental part of the game.  Both boys look amazingly handsome in their uniforms!  I hope that doesn't sound creepy for their mom to say that.

Son C and Little Man have discovered what we think is an abandoned homeless person's shelter in the woods near our house (yes, it is truly abandoned).  They are working on it nearly every day and fixing it up.  If either of them decides to run away from home, that is the first place I am looking. ;)

I bought myself new pajamas at Costco recently.  They are soft and warm and cuddly and make me feel pretty.  Win, win, win, and win!  (and they were inexpensive!  Win again!)

Several weeks ago my husband volunteered to move to another project at work.  He officially began it yesterday, and was a tad disappointed to learn that he would not be doing what he thought he would be doing (something new and different).  He is committed to it now, but is hoping he will not regret volunteering.  There is an opportunity in this new project for more of a leadership role, which would be very stretching for him.  I am praying God makes things clear, and that my husband would continue to find favor in the eyes of his supervisors.  I may be biased, but he is such a great software developer!  I am so very thankful for his job.

We have a whole bunch of new babies and pregnant moms at church.  I mean, a whole bunch!  So fun to see their beautiful round bellies, and then later to hold their perfect, tiny babies!!  God sure knew what He was doing when He planned for humans to start as babies.  (I approve!  haha)

This is long, so it is all for now.  If you are not my mom and you read this far, you deserve an award!

Summer....

.... is fun and amazing and refreshing....

....and exhausting.

A part of me longs for the more set routine of the school year, yet I do not want to rush ahead and wish for the next thing.  I want to fully embrace each season, figuratively and literally.  Plus I am not at all ready for the actual school part of the school year!

The demands of summer are different than those of the school year yet just as intense.  Helping the children navigate their more relaxed routine without getting lazy or grumpy is tough.  I do not try to eliminate all boredom.  Everyone should have a little boredom now and then because it can force a bit of industry and creativity.  But too much boredom is definitely a bad thing, especially for teens!  So it is a constant juggling act.

Daughter G comes home tonight from a mission trip to New York.  She got to do quite a bit of fun sightseeing in the evenings after long days of ministry to children.  What a wonderful blend of work and play she has had, with wonderful friends and adult mentors.  I am so happy for her.  We will madly wash all her clothes, and then she leaves with us tomorrow to go camping, and then spend several days at the cottage with cousins.  After that she is home for a week and then off to WA for her much anticipated grandparents/aunts/uncles/cousins visit.  This summer is definitely a turning point for she and I ~ she has managed her own schedule to a larger degree than ever before, and she is GONE so much!  I miss her, yet I am also so excited for each opportunity God is bringing to her.  She is growing up, and I am learning to let go.

Sons G and L will sleep in their own tent on our camping trip this week.  That is a first.  They leave in a week for their mission trip... different city, different children, but similar ministry.  It is son L's first mission trip, and first time to be away from us longer than one or two nights.  He is ready!  A part of my mama's heart does not feel ready, but I am honestly so busy keeping up with everyone else's events/routines that I don't really have time to analyze that part of my heart, so I just have to trust God with it. ;)

Daughter H has made a couple of really good girl friends, and that makes my heart happy.  She has done really well without daughter G here, and that also makes me happy.  What an amazing and beautiful girl she is!  This week is her very first camping trip, and she is super excited.

Son C and Little Man have been busy with friends.  One of the blessings of homeschooling is getting to make friends with people we may never have otherwise met because they don't live in our neighborhood.  One of the curses, however, is that these people don't live in our neighborhood!  Son C has developed a huge interest in botany.  When I asked him what he wanted to learn about in school next year, his immediate response was, "plants and flowers!"  We already owned the Apologia Elementary Series Botany book, and C asked if he had to wait until school started to read it.  Umm, no!  So he has been happily reading a science textbook the last couple of weeks and doing all the experiments completely on his own.  He's having a blast!  I love that he's so self-motivated.

I am making very slow progress on my school prep for this fall.  But trying not to panic.  My hubby is going to give me a few Saturdays coming up, where I can go away from the house and spend the day planning.  I LOVE HIM!

Right now I feel that my brain needs a vacation.  Where do you think I should take it??

Happy Birthday to Me!

Can't believe it's been a whole year since THIS amazing birthday celebration!  But time has a way of marching on.  We had co-op the day of my birthday, so I took a party with me to class!  (these are most of my students.... 3 were absent).

I asked for a "card shower" from my family, and this is how sons L and C interpreted that.... 21 cards made from notebook paper, with one sentence of appreciation on each one, showered down upon me!  Love those boys!

One of my boys was not feeling well the evening of my birthday, so we reserved my cake and ice cream until the next day when he could join us in the actual eating!

How truly blessed I am!  So many, many things to be grateful for.....

Lord, thank you for the gift of life, and the gift of age.  Thank you for my family, near and far, who have loved me and love me still.  Thank you for my incredible friends, who speak truth to me and love me no matter what.  Thank you for Your sweet presence, and for Your mercy.  Help me to cultivate gratitude, and to notice Your daily blessings throughout this next year.  I love you!

Waiting

My few remaining blog readers have undoubtedly noticed that my posting has been sparse of late.  Time is certainly at an even higher premium than it was two months ago, but more than that.... it is hard to know what to say.  How do I describe, on such a forum as a public blog, what it is like to add another half grown child to the family?  To deal with the adjustments, on everyone's part, and the new dynamic in our family?  To experience with her the trials of her past that are bleeding into the present, as well as the joy of seeing her blossom before our very eyes?

How do I describe the love I feel for a child not my own?  She is not mine through birth or adoption.  But she is mine in my heart.

How do I describe what it is like helping my birth children navigate through this journey?  How to help them see things from her point of view, without sharing more of her past than they are able to handle or need to know?

How do I describe the complicated nature of sharing her with her birth mom?

What do I even call myself?  Not mom.  Not even a foster mom.  Yet I am mothering her.  Not exactly a friend ~ more than a friend, yet I am befriending her. 

How do I describe what I feel when I consider her future?  Is it with us?  Or with her birth mom?   I do not yet know.  But I know it is with God.  She is His in ways she will never be mine.

What a comfort!

So I wait.  I wait for answers.  I wait to see more of God's will fleshed out for us.  I wait to see what He will do next in her life, and in mine.  I wait.


"Yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."  ~ Isaiah 40:31

"We have waited for you eagerly.." ~ Isaiah 26:8

We went to the cottage this past weekend....

and this is what I brought back with me!

Stupid, stupid mommy, forgot to put sunscreen on herself!

Using my summer wisely

We have been out of school for nearly three full weeks, but in many ways I feel like my own summer break has barely (or not quite) started.  The end of June is just a few days away and I have not accomplished a single one of my summer goals.  I feel pulled in several directions at once, somewhat discombobulated and not sure where to start.  In pondering what to do first, I realized I needed to get back to the basics of what I know, and prioritize the most important things, literally list them out in order of importance.  Here is my personal list of what's most important to me this summer:

1.  Have a daily quiet time with God.

2.  Nurture my marriage ~ have some kind of date time with my husband once a week, and pray for my husband every day.

3.  Read books outloud to my kids every day.

4.  Interact with my children on a regular basis ~ bike rides, gardening, Wii games, board games, etc.  Make memories of doing things together this summer, and have fun with them!

5.  Have a one on one date with each of my children (one down, four to go).

6.  Run.

7.  Do a little each week to get ready for this coming school year, starting with a new chore chart which I will make this week.

8.  Paint my kitchen.

9.  Paint the bedroom that sons L and C share.

10.  Play more praise music.

11.  Don't let my front flowers die because I am so busy doing #1 - 10!  (I am a fairly decent gardener, but I frequently forget to water the hanging baskets!)

Mother's Day 2012 Pics

Whilst I took a FOUR HOUR nap (yes!  4 hours!) my wonderful hubby and daughter cooked a fabulous italian dinner ~ linguine noodles in alfredo sauce, grilled chicken breasts, grilled asparagus, roasted garlic dipping sauce for bread, roasted mushrooms for topping if desired, and an awesome salad.  Oh my, it was soooo good!!  (and I'm pretty pleased with myself that I used the word "whilst"). :-)