Parenting is not for Wimps

Tough couple of weeks.

Y'all, I am a 50 something year old female.  And I am educating four young men all day long.  MEN. Three of them are teenagers.  The older two are on the cusp of being fully grown men.  They are going through the normal rhythms of growing up, wanting independence, and needing to show some adult sized responsibility.  But they are going through that as men.   When our oldest daughter went through that phase she went through it as a young woman.  I was once a young woman.  Women I get, because I am one.  Going through it with young men is entirely different.

I have really felt the tension these past couple of weeks between what is required of them as my children, and what they want from me (which is basically hands off).  It's tricky knowing how to balance the respect they need as young men who want to figure things out on their own, with still requiring that they get their math done.

And the scope of helping to problem solve with children at very different stages is just really big.  In the last couple of weeks I helped our college daughter weigh the pros and cons of a summer job that would take her away from home much of the time, cried over a teen boy's harsher than anticipated words to me, and comforted our youngest son when he was distraught over the fact that he did not have his own wallet and still kept his allowance in a plastic cup from Caesarland (we went to Target to remedy that situation - problem solved.  Boom!  I wish all problems were so easy to solve!)

I have been pondering a lot, crying some, and praying much about how to parent these young men God has given us.  There are so many things I want them to "own" before they leave our home, but even more than that, I want to keep communication with them open and make sure that as much as it lies with me, our relationships remains strong.  I think the tears have come from a place of hurt, but also a place of fear.  What do I fear?  Poor judgment on their part.  Choices that have bad consequences.  Laziness.  But most of all, the possibility of a broken relationship.

I have very little reason to think any of these things are going to happen.  They simply loom as I feel my older boys beginning to pull away from me.  I recognize that "pulling away" is normal, expected, and even wanted.  Raising strong, independent, thinking adults is what I signed up for when I became a parent.  But going through it with my young men just feels so different.  It's uncomfortable and bittersweet and unknown.  Hence the fear.

However, fear is not of God.  God has been reminding me of what is true.  His Word is true.  And His Word tells me that:

He has not given me a spirit of fearfulness, but one of power, love, and sound judgment. (2 Tim. 1:7)

The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me? (Hebrews 13:6)

Do not grow weary in doing good. (2 Thess. 3:13)

and

Trust in the Lord and do good.  (Psalm 37:3)

So, by God's grace, I am trusting Him and doing good.  Doing the next thing.  Caring for my family in a myriad of little daily ways.  He loves my children even more than I do!  What a comfort.  My mother gave me a great word of wisdom last week, and that was to relax and let it be organic.  To depend on God each day to provide opportunities for investment into relationship with my boys, and to just take every opportunity as it comes.  God will provide those because He also wants us to maintain strong, healthy relationships.  What I want and what He wants are the same thing.

Thank you, God, for reminding me of your great love.  Thank you for loving my children even more than I do.  Thank you that they have each professed faith in you and that your spirit lives in them.  Help them to know and depend on you more, and help me to show them what that looks like.  Keep our relationships strong, Lord.  Help each of my children know how much they are loved.  Amen.

Transitions

This summer is one of transitions.

We are transitioning as a family to having one less in our daily homeschool.

Our oldest is transitioning to college.

My husband and I are transitioning to being parents of a young adult.

Very soon we will transition to having only one daughter in the house instead of two.

Lots of changes.

In my quiet moments I have been reflecting on these changes, and finding strength in the Lord to face them.  Almost no change is instantaneous.  Like a road trip whose destination is known but whose journey is not, they are gradual shifts, with pitfalls and emotional peaks along the way.  They are at the same time bitter and sweet.  I am so excited for daughter G to go to college, but I am going to miss her so much.  I am thankful the Lord has allowed us to finish the home school journey with her, but will miss planning out her school years.  I am grateful for the years we have been allowed to parent and disciple her on the road to adulthood, but I can't quite believe our years of active parenting (of her) are coming to an end.  She is going to have a full, rich life at college.  That is good.  But it is going to be so strange to not have her here at home, and in my humanness the anticipation of her absence doesn't feel good.

When I was growing up, my mother would often tell me and my sisters that feelings should be the caboose of our life, and faith should be the engine.  Feelings are very real, but they are not necessarily true indicators of reality.  How much better to base my life, by faith, on the God who is real and on what His Word declares to be true.  I am God's child and precious to Him, whether I feel like it or not. He is sovereign and the one in charge, whether I want Him to be or not.  He does love each of my children more than I do and is working for their good, whether it seems like it or not.

Throughout my life I have had many opportunities to exercise my faith muscle, and sad to say, I have not always done so.  At times my emotions have gotten the best of me.  But here I am, with more opportunities to trust.  To live by faith.  And I want to!  I find the cry of my heart to be, "Lord, I trust You.  Help me to trust You more!"

He is faithful.

He is loving.

He is good.

These are realities.  My feelings will change.  We will get through these transitions and life will go on, with new challenges and new emotions.  But the reality of who God is, the truth of His Word, and how He interacts with me....these will never change!  Thank you, God.

"....the Word of the Lord endures forever."   I Peter 1:25

Hard

I have had one of the hardest weeks of my life this week.

It's Friday and I am so glad to have made it to today, by God's grace.

He is so faithful.

I have much to learn about parenting a child with depression.  But I am thankful for all that God has taught me so far, and for just BEING with me as I struggle, and learn, and soldier on.  Our girl has had such a difficult fall and at times her grief has very nearly overwhelmed her.  In an attempt to not feel it to the point of being overwhelmed, she masks her grief and pain in anger.  And because I am in authority over her, am a safe person who has shown her unconditional love, and mostly because I'm here, that anger is nearly always directed at me.

It is a hard, hard thing to endure, even when I cognitively understand it.

And it is made even harder by the fact that the other children take up offenses for me.  At times the needs of various children appear to be at exact polar opposites, and meeting the needs of one can seem to have the effect of harming another.

BUT GOD.....

God can take what appears to be emotional harm and transform it into something else.  Something beautiful.  My mama's heart aches for my children who are in the midst of transformation.  I'm sure the butterfly isn't comfortable just before it breaks out of its crysallis, either.  But when God gives me glimpses of what He is accomplishing in my children's lives, it is absolutely amazing.

Please pray for our girl to let us comfort her.  Pray that she will trust completely in who God is.  Pray for daily strength and wisdom and grace for us as her parents.  And praise God with me that He is who He says He is, and He does what He has promised to do!

Be Creative

I vividly remember one evening as a teenager when I was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner.  There were leftover spaghetti noodles, and leftover sauce, but only one available tupperware container.  We didn't normally mix the two so I was stymied how to store them.  When I asked my mom what to do, she said two words to me, "be creative."

I'm sure she had no idea how much those two little words would impact my life! 

Over the years her admonishment to "be creative" has given me the freedom to do things a little differently.  To think outside the box.  To find ways to get the job done, even if I didn't have all the typical "tools."  Perfection was no longer the goal.  My solution could be different....atypical.... creative!

I thought of the spaghetti storage incident recently, as I was frantically trying to get one new wall in the schoolroom painted to match the rest of the room.  It was the school room side of a bedroom wall we had put up just this summer.  It was late at night and we needed to use the room the next day.  After painting two other rooms the preceding week I was ready to just be done with painting, but I set my face to the task of painting one more time.  It had to be done.  I was ready to whip this thing out.

Then I realized that I didn't have a clean paint tray.  I had recently used our last disposable tray to paint H's bedroom turquoise.  What to do?  I could go to the large 24 hour super store or I could wait until the next day.  Or.... I could be creative and make a third option!

I chose to "be creative."

This is exactly what I did with the spaghetti all those years ago, too!  I layered them in the one tupperware, with saran wrap between.  For the paint job, I covered the turquoise encrusted tray with plastic drop cloth, poured in the red paint, and started in.

The wall got painted.  Bookshelves got put back in place.  We used the school room the next morning.... with pleasure.

Thanks, mom, for your words of wisdom to me all those years ago.  They were probably spoken casually, in the moment, and you probably don't even remember saying them.  But for some reason that was a teachable moment for me.  God used those words to begin teaching me a very important truth. Aside from moral issues, there really isn't a "right" or "wrong" way to do things.  Each person does things in their own way, and that's okay.  It's what makes us each "creative."  What a powerful thing for a teen to learn!  I also began to learn that I could figure things out on my own.  I didn't need to be told how to do every. single. thing.

I need to remember that, and live it, as I help teach my own children how to live and work and function effectively in a family.  Can I let go of "my" way of washing the dishes?  If the children don't fold their clothes the way I would, does that really matter?  They may have a different system for cleaning the bathroom than I do, but if the bathroom is clean in the end, isn't that the goal?

Help me, Lord, to let my children be creative, even as my mom let me be creative.  Help me to remember that my children need permission to figure things out for themselves.  Help me to let them go, bit by bit, as they approach adulthood.   Help me to let them

be.

creative.

Amen.

Parenting...

... is not for the faint of heart.

All is well, but man what a grueling day with one of our sons!  Raising little boys was easier than raising young men.  Yet at the same time, it is so incredibly wonderful to see glimpses of the men they are becoming.  I'm so thankful for God's wisdom that I can call on at any moment.  And for my husband.  It works out really well that since he's a guy, he has a guy's perspective.  ;-)

If it were easy and I could manage the whole process myself.... they wouldn't be very awesome men in the end.

Praise God that He loves them even more than I do!

He's got this.

New Routine Going Well

Overall, our new school "schedule" is going well.  Still working with one boy on how to add in his work for a co-op class to his weekly schedule, and another son and I forgot about his online literature class yesterday.  Oops!  But overall, I think it's working.

God was so good to impress upon me my need to resign from MOPS.  Even without that responsibility, and with working hard to maintain reasonable boundaries in other areas of life, teaching and managing the learning is going to be more than a full time job for me this year.  I have a feeling these next three years are going to be very intense.  Right now we have a sophomore, two in middle school, one in upper elementary, and one in lower elementary who is still solidifying his reading (and needs daily lessons with mom).  Next year we will have two in high school.  The year our daughter graduates we will have three in high school, one in middle school, and the youngest in fifth grade.  There's just no doubt about it, getting your children ready for college, and for LIFE!.....is a big and busy job.  One I wouldn't trade for anything, but it can seem kind of overwhelming at times. 

I now understand so much better how to pray for my fellow homeschoolers who are homeschooling through high school.  And if you are not a homeschooler yourself but have friends who are (hence you are reading this blog!), they could really use your prayers and support now more than ever!  When you are schooling high schoolers, you feel that others are more "critical" (for lack of a better word) of what you are doing.  They don't think you can mess up your kindergartener too much, but think you are more likely to screw up your high schooler at home.  Even when this attitude is not expressed in words, homeschool moms have a tendency to "hear" it anyway.  As a lot, we are pretty critical of ourselves.  And the stakes seem much higher.

So it is doubly reassuring to be reminded that God is in control!  Not me.  Not my husband.  Not the color-coded schedule.  Not the curriculum we use.  GOD.  He has started a good work in each of our children, and He will be faithful to complete it.  Faithfulness is His nature.  He cannot be unfaithful.  And, He loves my children even more than I do!  And He has a plan and purpose for their lives far beyond what I can conceive and try to prepare them for.

Whew.

It's not up to me after all.

(but I'd still appreciate your prayers!)

Letting Go

Today we reserved a plane ticket for our 14 year old daughter to fly to Washington by herself this summer. I am super excited for her to have this opportunity! Special time with grandparents, an aunt and uncle and cousins, and the chance to make her own memories in the place that is host to so many of mine.

It is a first in so many ways.....

and a great opportunity for us to remember she belongs to God, and to offer her to Him..... again.

It is probably the first of many such letting go's. Mission trips. College. Someday, marriage. It is good practice. But it is still hard. She is my baby. My first born. My only girl.

But.....God has a plan for her, and I do not want to be clinging to her so tightly that His plan cannot fully blossom.

I keep remembering an experience my parents had when me and my sisters were all young teenagers. My dad went forward to pray at the altar after a sermon given by a visiting missionary. My mom sat in the pew silently praying as my dad wrestled in prayer at the altar. She thought perhaps he was feeling a call to missions, and she was trying to prepare herself for the possibility of moving far away. But later, he told her that he felt God directing him to let US, his daughters, go. To commit to not holding us back should God call us far away. It was hard for him, as a dad of girls, to offer us to God unreservedly, but he stayed at that altar until he could.

Thank you, dad.

Thank you for letting me go then. And thank you for the example that helps me let go now.

Thank you, mom.

Thank you for supporting dad, and trusting God to direct our family through him.

I am so glad my daughter will have special time with you this summer!

Feelings

One of our children is really struggling with feeling as if they don't belong in the family. He is obsessed with asking if he is adopted, deeply troubled with any perceived conflict or argument among his siblings, and thinks often of running away. And this is not the running-away-to-get-attention type of running away, that is easily handled with, "okay, I'll help you pack." This is a deep cry of "please tell me you need me here and I really do belong."

Have any of you dealt with this? Do you have any words of wisdom?

We have had several heart to heart conversations, another one just this morning. He wanted to know (again) why God didn't just make people always obey, why do people have to choose to do wrong? Why does satan tempt us to do bad things? Why is there bad stuff in the world, anyway? Why is he so bothered by conflict? Why does he feel so badly much of the time? He doesn't like to argue and his brothers do, therefore he must not belong in this family. He must belong to some peace loving family somewhere (okay, this is a serious subject, but that line of thought did make me smile ~ oh, if only there were any argument free families anywhere in the world!).

I told him that God had made him a peacemaker. God was using our family to teach him how to handle problems and conflicts with other people, because, unfortunately, that is part of living in a sinful world. I told him that being adopted or not wasn't the issue ~ God had picked him for our family regardless of how he got here. During our conversation I asked him if he'd ever thought that maybe his feelings were not the truth, and that satan was tempting him away from the truth? He said he had not thought about that. So we talked about what is true and what is not. The difference between what we know and what we feel. We talked about spiritual warfare, and how to fight satan. We prayed together. We sat and just "were" together for a long time. He said he felt better.

Please pray for our sweet boy. For me to have the wisdom I need, and for him to have the reassurance he needs. And that he will learn how to cling to the truth when his feelings are so powerfully telling him something else. Thanks, friends.

Words

Yesterday one of our boys insulted another one pretty badly with some choice words. Not swear words, but very belittling. This has happened before, so obviously the original consequence (loss of computer time) was not "painful" enough to stop him from doing it again. We realized the consequence needed to be more closely tied to the offense. So we borrowed an idea from Lisa Whelchel's book Creative Correction.

My husband set this up before he went to work, and I supervised throughout the day. We gave nails and a hammer to this boy and told him to nail 25 nails into this board. Just like the nails were "hurting" the wood, words hurt people. I allowed him a couple of short breaks, but this took him nearly two hours.



Then we had him take all the nails back out, one by one. This was actually much harder than putting them in, and my husband had to help him finish after he got home from work (or he would probably STILL be working on it!). We showed him the damaged wood, and told him that even when he apologizes for hurtful words, the wounds remain behind. You can never take words "back" as if they had never been spoken. They leave a mark on the hearer.


It was a pretty powerful visual. In addition to spending hours on this project, he had to do all his regular school work too. He had no play time ~ his entire day was spent nailing the wood and doing school work. Only God knows his heart, and knows if he has truly learned this lesson, but we pray he has (and I'm very grateful to Lisa Whelchel for this idea!).

Psalm 141:3 ~ Set a guard over my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.

Goodbye Old Van (or, what I learned about sacrificial giving)

Today our friend Mr. Ed came and hauled our old van away. Even though we are thrilled with our "new" (to us) van, it was somewhat emotional for the children to say goodbye to the old one, as this is the only vehicle any of them remember. They all had to go sit in it one last time!



Mr. Ed, who kindly loaned us his own van for a month while we were shopping for our new one, is going to try and fix it himself and use it to bless another family who needs transportation.


Sounds great, right?

Of course it is. But sadly, it took me a while to be willing to donate our van in this way. You see, I had been counting on the few hundred dollars we would get for it at a junkyard. I had specific plans for that money. When our van first became unusable last June, I consoled myself with the knowledge that we'd at least be able to pay off "xyz" with the money we'd get for it.

Then one Sunday a few weeks ago, our teaching pastor spoke on sacrificial giving. No problem. Know all about that. During lunch my husband and I had a great talk with the children about what sacrificial giving really is. It's not giving from your plenty. It's giving that costs you something. That's why the widow's offering in Luke 21 was so pleasing to the Lord. Though it was a small amount, even by their standards, it was all she had. So it cost her everything to give it. The children thought up several scenarios of giving that would cost them in some way, and they all seemed to get it, even Little Man!

I left the table feeling satisfied that we'd imparted such a valuable spiritual lesson to the children. Sacrificial giving explained and understood, check.

Obviously it was my turn for the lesson.

The very next day my husband told me about this opportunity to donate our van and have Mr. Ed fix it up for someone else. Generous man that he is, he really wanted to do it. For him, it was a no-brainer. For me, it was painful. I was counting on that money. And then the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart and said, "Pam, this is your chance to sacrifice that which you were anticipating. This is your opportunity to give sacrificially."

Oh how I did not want to do it!

After all the ways God had proven Himself faithful to us over these last two years of unemployment/underemployment, I still wanted to do things my way.

I wrestled. I cried. I went for a long drive.

I drove and I cried and I wrestled until I submitted that old van to God and fully embraced that it was His in the first place, to do with as He willed. I'm ashamed to admit that I even had to go on a long prayer drive over this, but that's the truth.

When I finally submitted to God, a great peace flooded my heart, and I was suddenly eager to give that van away! Think of how it might bless someone else, in the same way we have been blessed so many times!!

And so, with great joy, we said good bye to our old van today. I am excited that it might be given to another family in need (still questionable that it can be fixed, but we're hoping...), and even more than that, grateful for God's patience and tenderness to teach me, again, that His ways are best.


Lord, help me to trust You more.

This 'n That

I have posted almost exclusively about school lately. And certainly, school is a huge part of my/our lives. But there is always so much more going on in life and in my head. Lately I have felt like there is not enough time to just "be", so I need to find creative ways to work on that. This will be a random collection of thoughts mostly unrelated to school. It's a "stream of consciousness" thing, so be warned. :-)

The schoolroom has seen no more progress in the last two weeks, and won't until my husband reaches his deadline at work. I am thankful to have a kitchen eating area to school in. Thankful for the big window that gives us wonderful sunshine while we work! (something we are lacking in the basement) I am thankful I have children to teach, and thankful I can learn together with them at home. Thankful my husband currently has a job, even though he is super busy right now. Thankful that I know God will provide for us when this one ends in a week and a half. So very thankful for my husband!

I got to spend about four hours the other night with a young friend of mine who has recently graduated from college. She is beautiful and mature and has amazing insights. She is faithfully obeying God even though doing so is hard right now. I was so encouraged by our time together, and grateful to hear her perspective on so many things. Plus she is just plain FUN. I am really, really proud of her, and grateful to call her my friend. (love you E! And I am praying for you every day)

I learned today that my Uncle Ray passed away. I only found out yesterday that he was near death, though I knew he had been failing for a while. He is my dad's older brother and the first of my 3 aunts and uncles to die. I love him very much, and I am *so* thankful he has passed safely and peacefully from this life into heaven! He walked with God all his life, the last 10 years of which he suffered from speech aphasia and dementia. This was a hard blow to all of us at first, since for all his adult life he was a pastor and spoke many meaningful and thought provoking things. It was painful to watch him able to hear, but not able to participate in a conversation.

One of my first thoughts when I learned he was in heaven was, I wonder what his first words were?? What is he saying now? My mom shared with me the thought that for a christian death is just a doorway. I have been pondering that a lot today. Those of us on earth only see what is on this side of the door. We sadly and sometimes painfully lead our loved ones to the threshold, but we don't get to cross over it with them. We have to let them go. Others are on the other side, waiting to usher them in. What does an usher do? An usher greets you and helps you find your place. What ushers were waiting for my uncle? I can imagine that as soon as he crossed the threshold they were greeting him excitedly, showing him around and helping him find his "place". I know he is very much alive and more whole than he ever was on earth. But I will miss him. Death seems much closer now since it has taken one only one generation removed from myself. A reminder that death is the final destination for all of us. Am I ready? Are you?

And in the midst of these ponderings on death, life goes on. My husband took our son L on a date this week and had "The Talk" with him too. It was only a few weeks ago that he had this talk with our son G. L had a completely different reaction than G did, as I had inwardly predicted he would. He was very true to his personality. Let's just say he was pretty grossed out by the whole idea. His one big takeaway, however, upon learning that there are literally millions of possible egg/sperm pairings each time a husband and wife show love to each other in this way, was...."wow! I am soooo special! I could have been someone else!" And it's true! I love that he's getting a sense for how God made him to be HIM, and no-one else.

We have cautioned the older two boys not to discuss this with their younger brothers, or anyone else for that matter, though they are always welcome to talk to us about it at any time. Despite this admonition, snippets of the talk have been floating around our house all week. Little Man and son C have both asked me this week if it is possible for me to have any more babies, or if I have used up all my "dots"?

Son C is going to play in his soccer game tomorrow. His foot is getting better and better each day! He barely limps now.

My house is a mess, and it is not going to be as tidy as I want it until the schoolroom is finished and our piles of school things have a permanent home. But I'm thankful I have a house to get messy.

I was crying out to God the other day that I am overwhelmed with the different stages each of the five children are at, what their needs are and my own inadequacy to parent them well. I asked the Lord for grace and wisdom and opportunities to invest in them in ways that are unique to each child and where they are at the moment. When they were younger it was possible to parent them all pretty much the same, but now their needs are so vastly different.

I'm so thankful I can depend on the Lord! The very next day He gave me the energy at the end of the day to have a lovely tea party with our daughter. We used to have weekly teas and I'm ashamed to admit that it has been a few months since our last one. We talked and connected and had such a good time together. Our conversation ranged from body image and false messages we get through media, to how to share your faith with a buddhist. Yeah, pretty much all over the map! But it was great to just be together. I enjoy spending time with her SO much ~ she is a delightful young lady!

This stream of consciousness is long enough and my brain is tired. Hope you all have a weekend that is refreshing in just the ways you need.

Good night.

Time

Who said, "time marches on"?

Sometimes it marches. At times it plods. And other times it just seems to dash.

It has been two years since our daughter was preparing to join the middle school youth group at our church. Two years. She is now starting her third and final year in the middle school youth group, and our next child is just beginning his three year stint. This time next summer our third child will be there and our oldest will be heading into high school. Okay, please sit there and think happy thoughts for a sec while I have a freak out moment!!!!!

Thank you. I'm back.

Where does the time go?

I remember having such mixed emotions two years ago about the youth group decision. I felt torn, not sure it would mesh well with our family's values, afraid the activities would pull her away from family. Was the youth group in competition with us for our daughter? Or coming along side as a partner while we parented her? After being involved in the youth group for two years now, I have a much better appreciation for how it is organized and what their goals are. Their goals are definitely aligned with ours. I have confidence it will be a good fit for our son G as well, and I'm so thankful for their partnership with us!

The Talk

He came in the door with the air of a man. Older and wiser than when he left. Possessing and pondering knowledge that his younger brothers did not yet have. He seemed a bit shy with me at first, but then eagerly told me about the slot car races he and my husband had gone to. The huge ice cream cone he had eaten. "It was a fun date," he said.

And so our second born learned about marital intimacy and exactly how babies are conceived.* I had worried that perhaps my husband had waited too long. After all, our son was 11. But it worked out very well. It was a specific, focused, and private conversation in a string of on-going conversations. Not the first and definitely not the last. He received the information matter of factly and asked some good questions. And knew he was growing up. Heady stuff, this.

One more step on the road to becoming the man God wants him to be.

*with the help of this book

Reassurance

While tucking our son C in to bed a few weeks ago, he expressed a lot of doubt that he was really going to heaven someday. He confided to me that he often thinks about that while lying in the dark and has trouble falling asleep, even having nightmares about it on occasion. He is the sweetest boy, with the tenderest heart that you'd ever want to meet. He has loved Jesus since he first knew who He was, and trusted Christ to be his Savior over a year ago. But the doubts he's been experiencing are common to many young christians, and he is still young enough that he cannot reason things out well, or begin to think abstractly about things he cannot see and touch and feel.

First I asked him some questions to be sure he understood, as much as possible for his age, Christ taking the punishment for his sin, and his need for a Savior. He did, and he was sure he was a christian. He was adament about that.

So we opened his Bible and went through some verses of assurance, starting with I John 5:11-12. I explained what it meant and we talked about it for awhile. Then we looked at John 10:27-30, and John 3:16 (already very familiar to him). I asked if he would like to highlight those verses and mark them somehow so they would be easy to find. He eagerly said yes.


He keeps his Bible right beside his bed and has been reading the marked verses every night right before going to sleep, and every morning immediately upon waking.


A few days ago he said to me, "it's working mommy, because I don't have those doubts anymore!"

I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to witness the power of God's Word transforming one of my own children.


"All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work." ~ 2 Timothy 3:16

"For the Word of God is living and active..." ~ Hebrews 4:12

Grandpa Dean's Influence

A syrup "well" cut out of the stack of pancakes. :-)

Soooo funny and sweet which things children choose to copy!

Can we make cupcakes?

Yes!

This past weekend Little Man and I read this new book he got for Christmas. It's one of a series that we just love. We also have, If you give a moose a muffin, If you give a mouse a cookie, If you give pig a party, and If you take a mouse to the movies. After we finished reading it (for the third time) Little Man asked me, "mommy, can we make cupcakes?"



And it was with such delight that I said, "yes!". Don't we moms have to say no so often? Most of the time I have a good reason for saying no, but still, it gets old. So it is always fun to get to say yes! After church yesterday, Little Man and I happily made cupcakes.




He poured oodles of sprinkles on top, just like the cat did in the book! (I saved out a couple plain ones for my hubby and me, since we're not really into, you know, oodles of sprinkles) :-)




What have you said yes to recently?

It's Going to be a Long Winter.....

Things I actually said today:


Stop throwing that ball at the lightbulb!

Do not put tape over your nose and mouth ever again.

Please don't run through the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner.

Take the pillowcase off your legs and walk on your feet like a big boy.


Boys......gotta love 'em!

My Heart is Singing.....

We've had a couple of hard days with our son L, who lives with SPD. The relaxed summer schedule (ie, late nights), the need to go grocery shopping (ie, a bit of hunger), and the change in routine are probably not helping this particular boy. So those are things for me to work on. But the fact is, regardless of other circumstances, he is easily frustrated and has a hard time dealing with frustration appropriately. It is hard on all of us when he has an especially difficult day ~ and he has had several difficult days in a row. My mother's heart has been heavy for him. Does he know he is loved, in spite of everything?

My husband and I laid in bed this morning before getting up and prayed for him. That we would show him love today in ways that matter to him, and that he would be able to exercise self control and remember some of the coping skills we've been working on. Challenging situations occurred today ~ ample opportunity to practice. Limited success. I did find several moments during the day to demonstrate love, but by bedtime I was exhausted.

What a sweet reward it was to hear these words during his bedtime prayer: "thankyou that I'm mommy's son and thankyou for creating me." He couldn't see my tears, there in the dark, but God saw them. And God heard my heart singing.

Planning not to Cry

Today was the baccalaureate service at our church. The graduates represented many different high schools, but all attended our church's high school youth group. They were called up by name, given a gift and a hug from our high school pastor, and sat down again to applause from the congregation. The message was on leaving a legacy ~ focusing on those things which are most important. I was very moved as I watched the graduates down in the first several rows, some of their gowns still wrinkled from being newly taken out of their packages. It seems not so long ago that I graduated, and I remember the mixture of emotions I felt that day. Joy at being DONE (!), sorrow at leaving friends, a little fear of the unknown, thankfulness that this milestone had been reached, and overwhelmingly an excitement about the future and a confidence that God had a special plan for my life and I was about to embark on it.

This particular year, most of the graduates sitting up front are young people I do not know. The ones I do know, I do not know well. And yet, I cried. I cried with joy and hope for them. Cried for their parents who are experiencing bittersweet moments. Cried for their spiritual foundation to be strong. Cried over how fast time goes.

In 6 short years, we will be planning a graduation ceremony for our oldest child. I have been looking forward to it already for quite a while! To plan our own (homeschool) ceremony and include all the elements that we deem most significant seems to me a special treat.

But.

When the time comes, it will be OUR daughter up there. OUR daughter finishing her homeschool journey with us. OUR daughter embarking. Is it as exciting to launch as it is to embark?

I have 6 years to steel myself not to dissolve into a puddle of tears and embarrass our daughter on her special day. Six years to enjoy the daily moments with her solidly in our nest. Six years to disciple her and prepare for the launching.

It seems so short.

I know that day will be here in the blink of an eye.

And when it comes I am planning not to cry.

(too much)

Bittersweet Moment on our life journey with SPD

"But by the grace of God, I am what I am." ~ 1 Corinthians 15:10

I witnessed a very bittersweet moment a few days ago involving our son L who lives with Sensory Processing Disorder. Having SPD go unidentified for the first 7 years of his life led to a certain dynamic among our children where L often got unduly blamed for things, or overly blamed for a minor offense (there have also been moments when he has used this to his advantage, but I have observed him being the "victim" more often than the "perp").

One of his struggles involves auditory processing, so although his ears work just fine, he will often not correctly process words he has heard me say ~ when it is a command to all the children the others get mad at him when they obey and he appears not to. He has tended to be easily frustrated and slow to use self control, so these behaviors, coupled with excessive blame by his siblings, have led to many conflicts requiring immediate intervention by me. We are striving to teach the children to treat each other with love and respect, to use words instead of hands, and to practice extending grace to others. Generally speaking, I am encouraged by the children's progress, but they are young. They have a long way to go (me too!). Read that: we are not there yet. There have been and are some very discouraging days, when I grow weary of intervening (we've been practicing this for months, shouldn't they know how to resolve this on their own by now?) , or feel sad at the emotional wounds L may bear. I am SO thankful the children are home with me all day, but nevertheless, there are moments of conflict when I am not present. Increasingly these are handled fairly well, but sometimes they are handled very poorly by the children involved. And since I cannot know which words, which actions are going to be the ones etched in L's memory, it weighs on me at times that a series of harsh responses from one of his siblings or friends (or me!) will inflict a wound he carries into adulthood. How thankful I am that I can trust L's future to God!

When L was "diagnosed" with SPD just over a year ago (I use the word "diagnose" very loosely since it is not yet a recognized diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual), we had a talk with our older two children. Trying to strike the balance between not making it a big deal, but understanding where L was coming from, we explained that he had something like a traffic jam in his brain. Messages couldn't get through properly. This was not something that could be "fixed" like fixing a broken traffic light would cause the traffic to flow smoothly again. We explained to them that what we and L would be working on was a detour around the traffic jam. A way to go around the jam and still get the messages through. It would take re-learning on L's part, and patience on our part, and we urged the children to pray for their brother and to have compassion for him, knowing that some of his "L-isms" were things he couldn't necessarily help.

Fast forward to last week. I had been to Sam's Club and had purchased a large box of Quaker Oats breakfast bars. The kind with frosting dribbled on top! These make a convenient food for my husband to eat in the morning while driving 45 minutes to his part time job. They are also irresistible snacks for children who have not had much convenience food lately. :-) Unbeknownst to any of us, L helped himself to 3 of them during a single afternoon. That night he let it slip that he'd had 3 bars that day. The other children began to protest, and one in particular started to really let L have it. I could see L sortof square his shoulders and prepare for the onslaught. I stopped it immediately and explained to the children that L had done nothing wrong! No need to treat him like a criminal. He was hungry and found something to eat, that was all. Then I explained to all of them that from now on these bars were to be reserved for daddy's breakfast and their snack during Friday co-op. On other days we would have other snack food. I addressed L directly and reassured him that he'd done nothing wrong. And I asked him to repeat the new rule about these bars, which he did.

Then, he cried.

Not sobbing, but quiet tears down his face. He was so sure he was going to get in trouble for eating 3 bars, that when he didn't he was overwhelmed. My heart broke knowing that he has come to expect to always be the scapegoat, but also warmed as I watched him experience grace.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9

"Lord Jesus, thank you for making our son L just the way You did. Thank you for entrusting him to our care. Please give us wisdom to parent him well, and to justly distribute mercy to all of our children. Give the other children your love for their brother L, and help him to learn how to circumvent his traffic jam. Help us to parent with grace, even when we are sometimes frustrated ourselves. Thank you for always pouring out Your grace on us. You are the perfect parent. I love you. Amen."