Transition

I have been putting off writing this post because it is not an easy thing for me to talk about, but our daughter H turned 18 and chose to move back in with her biological family.  In the end, the life she had created with us, parts of which she truly loved, was not enough to keep her anchored here.  The life she has returned to is vastly different than the one she had with us.  It is chaotic and operates on a kind of predictable yet continually traumatic dysfunction.  Knowing that that is the life she has chosen for herself makes me feel a host of jumbled emotions, none of them good.

Daughter H has been a big part of our lives for six years, and living in our home as our daughter for five, so it feels strange not to have to factor her into our daily plans, not take care of her mental health needs, not know her schedule or give her rides to and from work.  In some ways it has created a void of time and mental/emotional space for me that I am having to mourn and then choose carefully what to fill in its place.

Our relationship is not non-existent, but it is broken.  It is not what I had thought it would be.  I am not altogether sad that she is no longer living here, as our relationship had been deteriorating for a long time and daughter H was often angry and angsty.  But if she was not going to live with us, we had hoped she would make a lateral move to another place that would be a healthy environment for her.

Are you familiar with the five stages of grief or loss?  They are:

denial
bargaining
anger
depression
acceptance

These stages are not meant to be linear or even sequential, but can be cycled through in any order any number of times.  I am finding myself feeling all of them at various times.  I wonder if she is, too?  I don't know.

If the Lord brings us or daughter H to mind, please pray for each of us as we work through this transition, and especially pray for daughter H to stay close to Jesus and to know His great love for her.

For my Friends Who Are Grieving

"Your father and mother and all of you are - as you used to call it in the Shadowlands - dead. The term is over: the holidays have begun. The dream has ended: this is the morning." And as He spoke He no longer looked to them like a lion; but the things that began to happen after that were so great and beautiful that I can not write them. And for us this is the end of all the stories, and we can most truly say that they all lived happily ever after. But for them it was only the beginning of the real story. All their life in this world, and all their adventures in Narnia had only been the cover and the title page: now at last they were beginning Chapter One of the Great Story, which no one on earth has read, which goes on forever, in which every chapter is better than the one before.

~ Ending of The Last Battle by C.S. Lewis


"We do not grieve as those who have no hope." ~ I Thessalonians 4:13

"Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn." ~ Romans 12:15




Mourning with you,

And rejoicing with you in the hope we have in Christ.

Overheard.....

My Uncle's memorial service was this week. My parents and two sisters were able to be there, and I am very thankful for that, but I did struggle with not being able to go (sometimes I hate living far!!). I have been grieving for him, and feeling sad that I couldn't be there, and feeling thankful that it wasn't my dad ~ lots of emotions and also quite a few tears, which the children have witnessed. We have prayed together every day for his family.

After his quiet time yesterday, son L told me, with a quivering chin and tears in his eyes:

"Usually I just read my Bible during my quiet time, but today I prayed too. I asked God to please say hi to Uncle Ray and tell him that we miss him and we'll always love him."

Such a sweet moment of vulnerability and a glimpse into the heart of my not-so-little boy.

This 'n That

I have posted almost exclusively about school lately. And certainly, school is a huge part of my/our lives. But there is always so much more going on in life and in my head. Lately I have felt like there is not enough time to just "be", so I need to find creative ways to work on that. This will be a random collection of thoughts mostly unrelated to school. It's a "stream of consciousness" thing, so be warned. :-)

The schoolroom has seen no more progress in the last two weeks, and won't until my husband reaches his deadline at work. I am thankful to have a kitchen eating area to school in. Thankful for the big window that gives us wonderful sunshine while we work! (something we are lacking in the basement) I am thankful I have children to teach, and thankful I can learn together with them at home. Thankful my husband currently has a job, even though he is super busy right now. Thankful that I know God will provide for us when this one ends in a week and a half. So very thankful for my husband!

I got to spend about four hours the other night with a young friend of mine who has recently graduated from college. She is beautiful and mature and has amazing insights. She is faithfully obeying God even though doing so is hard right now. I was so encouraged by our time together, and grateful to hear her perspective on so many things. Plus she is just plain FUN. I am really, really proud of her, and grateful to call her my friend. (love you E! And I am praying for you every day)

I learned today that my Uncle Ray passed away. I only found out yesterday that he was near death, though I knew he had been failing for a while. He is my dad's older brother and the first of my 3 aunts and uncles to die. I love him very much, and I am *so* thankful he has passed safely and peacefully from this life into heaven! He walked with God all his life, the last 10 years of which he suffered from speech aphasia and dementia. This was a hard blow to all of us at first, since for all his adult life he was a pastor and spoke many meaningful and thought provoking things. It was painful to watch him able to hear, but not able to participate in a conversation.

One of my first thoughts when I learned he was in heaven was, I wonder what his first words were?? What is he saying now? My mom shared with me the thought that for a christian death is just a doorway. I have been pondering that a lot today. Those of us on earth only see what is on this side of the door. We sadly and sometimes painfully lead our loved ones to the threshold, but we don't get to cross over it with them. We have to let them go. Others are on the other side, waiting to usher them in. What does an usher do? An usher greets you and helps you find your place. What ushers were waiting for my uncle? I can imagine that as soon as he crossed the threshold they were greeting him excitedly, showing him around and helping him find his "place". I know he is very much alive and more whole than he ever was on earth. But I will miss him. Death seems much closer now since it has taken one only one generation removed from myself. A reminder that death is the final destination for all of us. Am I ready? Are you?

And in the midst of these ponderings on death, life goes on. My husband took our son L on a date this week and had "The Talk" with him too. It was only a few weeks ago that he had this talk with our son G. L had a completely different reaction than G did, as I had inwardly predicted he would. He was very true to his personality. Let's just say he was pretty grossed out by the whole idea. His one big takeaway, however, upon learning that there are literally millions of possible egg/sperm pairings each time a husband and wife show love to each other in this way, was...."wow! I am soooo special! I could have been someone else!" And it's true! I love that he's getting a sense for how God made him to be HIM, and no-one else.

We have cautioned the older two boys not to discuss this with their younger brothers, or anyone else for that matter, though they are always welcome to talk to us about it at any time. Despite this admonition, snippets of the talk have been floating around our house all week. Little Man and son C have both asked me this week if it is possible for me to have any more babies, or if I have used up all my "dots"?

Son C is going to play in his soccer game tomorrow. His foot is getting better and better each day! He barely limps now.

My house is a mess, and it is not going to be as tidy as I want it until the schoolroom is finished and our piles of school things have a permanent home. But I'm thankful I have a house to get messy.

I was crying out to God the other day that I am overwhelmed with the different stages each of the five children are at, what their needs are and my own inadequacy to parent them well. I asked the Lord for grace and wisdom and opportunities to invest in them in ways that are unique to each child and where they are at the moment. When they were younger it was possible to parent them all pretty much the same, but now their needs are so vastly different.

I'm so thankful I can depend on the Lord! The very next day He gave me the energy at the end of the day to have a lovely tea party with our daughter. We used to have weekly teas and I'm ashamed to admit that it has been a few months since our last one. We talked and connected and had such a good time together. Our conversation ranged from body image and false messages we get through media, to how to share your faith with a buddhist. Yeah, pretty much all over the map! But it was great to just be together. I enjoy spending time with her SO much ~ she is a delightful young lady!

This stream of consciousness is long enough and my brain is tired. Hope you all have a weekend that is refreshing in just the ways you need.

Good night.

Grief and Gratitude (again)

This past week the children and I once again visited the grave of a little boy who died before he was born. He is the son of dear friends of ours who have moved out of state. Because his mother is not here and able to do this herself, we go each year and clean off the grave, arrange flowers, and pray for his family and all the families we know who have lost little loved ones. I truly love doing this for my friend, and it's become a sweet and special time that we look forward to. We always bring black eyed Susan flowers from our yard because his mama's name is Susan.



God, we still don't know or understand all the reasons why you allow some children to live for such a short time in their mothers' wombs or on this earth before calling them home, but we thank you for each life that you create. YOU are the author of life, not we. Each life matters, and each life is one you love and have died for. Thank you for creating this little boy and all the children that girlfriends of mine mourn and miss. Comfort the hearts of their families, who still wonder what they would have been like and how their families would be different had these children lived. Thank you that these precious babes have already arrived at their true home and that we will meet them some day. Thank you for the sweetness of young life, and the familiarity of old life, and everything in between. We trust you Lord. And we love you.

Wild Times, Precious Times

Remember this?

March 17, 2009?


This is what we woke up to on April 6, 2009!

Just the typical wild spring weather in our state! I am happy to say that 2 days later the snow is nearly gone and the sun is shining. And I think the tips of my daffodils and crocuses are none the worse for wear.

In other wild news, we learned an important piece of information about bunkbeds last night. They are incredible platforms from which to projectile vomit. And when this happens during the night, the person on the lower bunk really wants to be sleeping near the wall, which thankfully he was, because..... you know, not all the vomit projectiles away from the bunkbeds. My husband and I both worked hard for an hour to clean it all up, while the sick boy (son L) dozed on the bathroom floor next to the toilet, and the bottom bunk boy (son C) slept soundly in our bed, albeit without his special quilt which made it on the fast track to the laundry. Even as I was scrubbing and wiping, a part of me was admiring what young, strong abdominal muscles are capable of! (I had sortof forgotton since mine are post-pregnancy, post-delivery, not-young, not-strong abdominal muscles). L is a little lethargic today so he has been taking it easy, but does not seem sick-sick (as opposed to just sick). We're not sure if he really has a virus or if it was a fluke. He has been hungry, and most importantly has been keeping all his food down, so we're grateful for that. Wild!

Daughter G and I had another precious tea time last night. She said she'd get everything ready "except for boiling the water", and when I came downstairs from kissing her brothers goodnight, this is what I found:



She had cut slices of bread into triangles, found a couple cookies and some strawberries, and arranged not only the tray but the entire room into a thing of beauty! I love her sense of beauty and style. We had a wonderful conversation, talking alot about various careers she could pursue after college. She wants to be a stay at home mom someday, but she wants to work at something first (just like her mama wanted!). We talked about her strengths and what her spiritual gifts might be. She is such a joy to my heart. Thank you, Lord, for the relationship G and I have. Please protect it and help us to do those things which will nurture it during the teen years that are just ahead.

Another precious and sweet moment happened this afternoon. We dropped G off at her horse riding lesson, leaving the sick boy at home with daddy, and the other 3 boys and I went to visit the grave of the baby we lost who would be turning 5 now. At the time we were not sure of the gender, but we imagined him to be a boy and named him Benjamin Peter. The boys and I sat and talked about Benjamin, and about what sometimes goes wrong when babies are growing in their mother's wombs, and about heaven. The boys sang happy birthday to their brother! Little Man, who was not old enough to remember the last time we visited Benjamin's grave, cried and cried. It was very touching and sweet.



As we drove away, son G told me, "Every time I visit a cemetery I always feel closer to God and to the people who died before us."

Lord, thank you that You have a plan and a purpose for every life, no matter how long or short they live. Thank you that each life touches so many others, often in ways we cannot see or understand. Thank you for the five healthy children You've blessed us with! Help us to raise them well, telling them of You and Your faithfulness, and showing them Your love. There is so much in life I do not understand, but I know that You ARE, that You are GOOD, and that You are in CONTROL. Thank you that no heartache will go unredeemed. I love you, Lord.

New Song

Run, don't walk, to Angie's blog and listen to this amazing new song by Selah that will be on her blog only until tomorrow! It is from an unreleased album and she received special permission to have it on her blog for 3 days only. If you have ever made a poor choice and suffered the consequences, or had a bitter disappointment, or experienced loss, or wondered how God could make good come out of a bad situation, this song will bless you. Angie and her husband Todd (one of the Selah singers) are today observing what would have been the one year birthday of their sweet daughter Audrey who lived for 2 1/2 hours before going home to heaven. Their journey of faith through their pain has been such an encouragement to so many. As you can imagine this song carries deep meaning for them.

Coincidentally (or not) tomorrow would have been the 5th birthday of a sweet baby we lost before he was born. If he had lived, we probably would not have our Little Man. I still miss not having the opportunity to know who our baby would have been, but I am also deeply grateful for the privilege of knowing and raising Little Man. So many mixed emotions. I listened to the new Selah song this morning and was very blessed. I know you will be too!

Sad News

Please pray for Sarah's family. Sarah was a 34 year old woman who died this morning after being diagnosed with cancer just weeks ago. She leaves behind a husband and 3 young daughters, as well as both parents and a brother and sister who all dearly love and miss her. I imagine this Christmas will be a blur as they prepare for her funeral, but in the weeks and months ahead as the reality sinks in and they struggle to adjust to their new normal, they will need God's grace and mercy as never before. If you feel so led, please lift this family up to the Lord. Thank you.

A Hard Week

A couple weeks ago in MOPS, we had a christian counselor talk to us about anxiety. She shared her professional insight into what it is and what it is not, how to combat anxiety, and how to saturate our minds with the truth (including God's truth in the Bible). It was a well done talk and it turned out to be very timely for me because I had a day of intense anxiety this week over our unemployment situation. I allowed my eyes to wander off of Jesus and dwell for awhile on all the "what ifs". That in turn caused me to be short with my family. I was a bad wife and a bad mommy and a bad teacher that day, which made me feel guilty. And the guilt spread to every area of my life where I am not performing to my own high standards (not to mention God's!). And so the spiral went. Marriage, parenting, teaching, ministering, being a friend. In all those areas I heard the "you're not good enough" message in my head over and over. You know that emotional ride that spirals ever downward? Yeah, that one. I was stuck on it for awhile. Ugh. It is a bad, bad ride.

The day we decorated our Christmas tree was also the day I was overwhelmed with missing our little twins. If they had lived they would be turning 2 this month. Decorating the tree all together, unwrapping our favorite ornaments and hearing the children say, "oh I remember this one!" and "this is the one I love the best!" was very, very sweet. It made me sad that our little twins were missing it. I truly would not wish them back from heaven, but there is a part of my mama's heart that still misses the opportunity to raise them. When I hung their memorial ornament on the tree I had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes. (I do love and miss all the babies we have lost before they were born, but the twins are unique in that they came AFTER all our other children. Our last two children were born inbetween several miscarriages, and would not be here if those babies had lived.)

So.

It was a tough week, emotionally.

God, in His ever loving and ever tender way, saw that I needed encouragement and He showed His grace in such amazing ways to me this week.

First of all, we had an awesome church service last Sunday, really focusing on the majesty and kingship of Jesus. I had goosebumps and felt awe throughout the entire service. When I focus on who Jesus is, who He REALLY is: King of Kings! .....how can I but bow before Him in awe? All of the problems that so consume us humans are just teeny tiny compared to His splendor and power. Oh if I could only keep my eyes fixed on Him at all times!

Then a few days later we received an encouraging letter and an unexpected financial gift from my parents. I can imagine how difficult it is for them as parents to see their children go through trials. I know this is in our parenting future as well. Just as parenting will not end when our children leave home, the need to trust them to God will never end either. In fact, in many ways, I suspect this need will be even greater when our children are adults! With our authority, responsibility and control greatly minimized, but our love for them and concern for their well being ever growing, the need to trust God for them will grow as well. Thank you mom and dad, for this gift, and for trusting us to the One who loves us even more than you do.

A couple days later I received a package in the mail from a dear friend. She instructed me to first read these words from Matthew 6 before opening:

"Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Inside the package was a beautiful ornament meant to remind me of God's faithfulness. It brought me to tears to think of how much God loves us. Thank you so much my friend for this loving reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus and to rest in His love and faithfulness. Everyone, is this ornament not perfect?


As if this were not enough encouragement, this morning in church I was handed an envelope that felt mysteriously fat (for those of you who are detail oriented, I started this post on Friday, so it is dated Friday, but I finished and posted it on Sunday). Inside was a lovely handstamped card, with a very encouraging note and a large cash gift. I was overwhelmed again! Truly, we are so undeserving of this outpouring of God's love and grace. But again, that's why it's called grace. Isn't it wonderful that our God is a God of grace??! I am humbled and thankful. Though today's financial gift is a great blessing, it isn't even really about the money. It's another reminder that God has not forgotton us. He is with us. Emmanuel. Like the boots a couple weeks ago, it is another kiss from God.

Okay God, I got the message loud and clear! Thank you for being patient with me and remembering that I am dust. Thank you for revealing Yourself to me in big and small ways. At this time of year especially, it is causing me to reflect on the meaning of your name Emmanuel. How incredible that You, You, are with us! Help us to be faithful to You in the daily things. To remember that ultimately we answer to You. Help me, as the emotional center of our home, to keep my eyes on You and to speak only your truth to our children. Please Lord, let your peace cover us and let us rest in You. We love you Lord. Amen.

A Mouse Funeral and 2 new pets!

Max died late last week. He was just over two years old, which is getting pretty old for a mouse. Our daughter was sad but handled it well. We buried him in our ever growing pet cemetery (flowerbed in the backyard) alongside 3 of his siblings, with a prayer and good memories of Max shared by everyone. G immediately turned her attention to getting a replacement for Max, and tonight we brought home two little sister mice which G named Pepsi and Sprite. They are incredibly active and fun to watch!

The baby bunnies all died during the night

Our children are in mourning, but handling it well. Even though they were not pets, we have decided to bury them rather than throwing them in the garbage (primarily because garbage day was yesterday and we don't want them sitting in our garbage for 6 more days!).

Our children have learned a valuable lesson about the tension between their own human compassion and allowing nature to operate as it was designed to. I *am* very grateful that each of our children got to hold a newborn baby bunny, and also grateful that we did not have to find baby bunny parts strewn about our yard and porch and driveway, courtesy of our cat.

Sometimes life is hard......

Update on Baby Audrey's Family

Audrey's mom Angie was released from the hospital this past Wed, and yesterday she wrote a beautiful letter to her little daughter who is now in heaven. She also posted a few photos of their sweet little girl. Please visit her Bring the Rain blog to read and see for yourself.

Grief and Gratitude

The birth and death of baby Audrey this week (see my "Blog that blesses me" entry two posts down) has rather captivated my attention. This sweet little baby was born alive yesterday afternoon, lived for just over 2 hours, and then went home to be with Jesus. During her short hours of life she was able to meet her 3 older sisters, be lovingly bathed by her daddy, and be loved on by her family. It was poignant to imagine their joy at seeing her alive, and their sorrow at watching her pass from this life. Now her amazing mama must recover from a c-section, while grieving and planning for her tiny daughter's memorial service. Please keep the Smith family in your prayers during the difficult weeks and months ahead.

Their grief has become my grief. For those of you who have been touched by grief, you know that it is a continuous cycle or tide that comes and goes, sometimes unexpectedly. I believe this is normal and good. There is no "getting over" a deep loss, but there is a "learning to live with it comfortably" that comes with time.

If you are a regular blog reader you know that we have suffered the loss of several children before they were born. The fact that we have 5 healthy children does not lessen the grief we have felt for the loss of the others. All of our children are deeply loved and wanted, and we recognize each of them as unique people created by God.

I used to ponder the "easier/harder" dilemma quite a bit......was it "easier" to lose them before we knew them? Would it be "harder" to lose them if they died after birth? After 2 years? After 10? After 30? Of course I do believe it would be harder to lose them later, after having known them, but I also think there is a sweetness in having known them that is missed when they die before birth. And I have come to understand that while there are many kinds of grief, none of them are "easy". They are just different.

It has been nearly two years since we lost our sweet little twins at the end of my first trimester. I am still learning much from that journey (am probably still ON that journey). One thing that struck me so vividly in the early days and weeks of the twins' miscarriage was that God seemed to be answering "no" to all my requests. That sounds like a negative thing, but stay with me! When we first learned that they weren't as big as they should be and probably weren't growing right, we also learned one of the babies was quite a bit bigger than the other one. We began to fervently pray that God would spare our babies, and that at the very least He would allow the biggest one to thrive.

God answered no to both of those requests. The babies died and we chose to let the miscarriage happen naturally at home. It was a very sad time, of course. I had to grieve in bits and pieces in between the normal rhythm of our family life. We managed to finish our home school year during this time, I honestly don't remember how. Our two oldest children played soccer for the first time that spring, so we had twice weekly practices and games every Saturday. Our church family graciously brought us meals for quite a while. Somehow life went on, but it was as if my body moved and breathed in one reality while my soul anguished in another.

The physical aspect of the miscarriage lasted 6 weeks. It was an agonizingly long time. During those weeks I prayed that God would allow the babies to pass from my body intact, so that I might at least see them and be allowed to say goodbye to actual physical babies. After it dragged on so long I realized that the likelihood of my prayer being answered was very small. I went in for another ultrasound and it showed that my uterus was empty. I was still spotting but there was really nothing left to miscarry. It was very hard for me to relinquish that desire to the Lord. It seemed like such a small thing for Him to be able to accomplish, yet it would have meant so much to me.

Does God's nature change when He says "no"? Does He somehow become capricious just because He didn't do what I wanted Him to do? How does God show His love for me? Does He love me less when He allows hard things? No. God is faithful. Unchanging. He displayed His love in all its agony and glory when Christ died for me and 3 days later overcame the power of death and rose to life again! He is full of compassion. I felt Him weep with me and walk with me through the loss of our babies. Even though He chose to allow this pain, I know it pained Him to do so. I didn't understand why so many of my private prayers had been answered "no", but I trusted that He knew best and continually prayed for more trust.

Then an amazing thing happened. When I was least expecting it and thought that the physical miscarriage was virtually over, my body finally released the bigger, stronger of the two babies. Intact. When I had accepted all of God's no's, He chose to give me a totally unexpected yes. It was not the BIG yes that I had wanted most, but it was a sweet, comforting, tender yes that whispered His love and care to me.

God's nature is good. He is a good God. He is good when bad things happen. He is good when good things happen. He is good when my heart is at peace. He is good when I am troubled and don't understand. He is good. Period. My circumstances don't change His nature. Can you imagine what a truly awful world it would be if our circumstances DID dictate the nature of God?!

So, all this long personal story to say that God is. He is good. He loves me. He loves the Smiths. He loves baby Audrey. I like to imagine baby Audrey and our twins (which I have imagined are two girls) completely whole, running to Jesus in heaven, climbing on His lap and kissing his face. Perhaps they were welcomed to heaven by my dear grandparents. I can't wait to meet them one day and to meet the One in whose presence they are complete and perfect.

Thank you, Lord, for the hope of heaven. Not a wishful thinking kind of hope, but a surety that hasn't yet come to pass. Thank you that You are real. Thank you for your great love. You have experienced the deepest, most intense kind of grief, so You are able to lift and carry us when we are incapable of going on. I love you Lord. I would be lost without you. When there are no words, You are there. Thank you. Thank you.

Life and Death, part 2

Those of you with children who have also spent time grieving some type of loss, know that the children kindof force you to keep going. Their life somehow doesn't stop the way you want yours to. And for the most part I think this is good. I suffered our first miscarriage after we already had 3 healthy children. Being able to hold their warm little bodies and kiss their soft little cheeks was a sweet comfort to me during that time. Our third loss happened when we had 4 children and our oldest was about 6. It was very therapeutic to explain what happened in simple terms, and repeating it outloud for them also confirmed in my spirit things I knew but that were buried under the grief. It actually helped me to hold on to the Truth. When we lost our twins last year they were very much old enough to know, to understand the basics of what happened, to actively offer comfort, and to be included in our memorializing of the babies.

It does, however, create a sort of chasm sometimes when you are dealing with grief and at the same time having to move at the speed of your kids' lives.

Last night I went to the viewing of my friend from church who passed away last Sunday. All day as I was praying for her husband and son, and making plans to go, my children were quite busy getting on with the business of life. After seatwork was finished at the kitchen table, they proceeded to get every pillow from every room in the house, and every throw and blanket that wasn't tucked securely under the foot of a mattress, and build this "fort" in the family room with the help of the recliner footrest and an overturned rocking chair. It had 5 rooms (naturally!) and a lovely garden.


After A's roomtime it was time for his daily "activity". Love, love, love paint with water books!!

In the evening I went to my friend's viewing with several other friends. It was hard but good. God is showing such mercy in so many of the details. As soon as I got home, 5 year old C was waiting for me to take him on our date. We had made plans for this mother-son date a couple weeks ago and I didn't want to disappoint him. So even though a large part of me wanted to sit and talk with my husband, processing some of my thoughts, instead I headed out to Chuck E. Cheese's with C. Now you must know that I absolutely hate Chuck E. Cheese's. We have had a total of zero birthday parties there. I just can't stand the crowds and overwhelming noise. But that's where he wanted to go, so that's where we went. It was virtually empty that time of night, and pretty quiet! So that was a surprise blessing for me! We had a wonderful time. C is so much fun.

So for $5 worth of tokens, $2.25 for a milkshake, and 2 hours of undivided attention, I made one little boy very happy. And that made me happy. Even though I was sad.

Life and Death

A young woman at our church died yesterday, apparently from a blood clot. She had recently had surgery but was home and doing well, so it was a complete shock to everyone. She leaves behind a loving husband and a 17 month old son. I did not know her well, but her death has hit hard. She had put her trust in Christ for salvation, so we know she in heaven, perfectly whole and happy. We do not grieve for her. We grieve for her family left behind. My mother's heart grieves especially for her little son, who will not remember his mama.

Meanwhile, my sister and her family are on alert for possible evacuation as several large wildfires ravage southern California. She said in an email today that the sky was particularly eerie - thick grey smoke with the sun appearing as a red orb through the haze. Dozens and dozens of people have already lost their homes.

Why do bad things happen to good people? I don't know. But I could also ask, why not? Are those whom I consider "good" more worthy than anyone else? I'm so glad I'm not God. Lots of things He allows don't make sense to me, but I know from His Word and from experience that He is good, true, loving, and that nothing takes Him by surprise. I can trust Him. Utterly. And so I do. Sometimes with weak faith and with trembling hand, I put my hand in His and say, "lead on, Father. Just don't let go of me!"

In light of these serious events I was not going to post any pictures from the weekend, but then I realized how incredibly grateful I am for each day of life He gives me. Life is so precious!! Just the chance to cook one more meal for my family, to change one more of A's diapers, to read that same book one more time, to finish the ceiling repair stage 2, to kiss my husband again, they are such GIFTS!

And so, here are a few pictures of things I am deeply grateful for.

Grief and Gratitude

The children and I visited a cemetery today. It is where the baby of a dear friend is buried, who died at 18 weeks gestation. Less than a year later they moved out of state, so on the first anniversary of his birth/death we went to the cemetery in their stead. We placed flowers and a balloon on his grave, and sat in a circle around the marker and shared prayers. The children say such childlike prayers. It is very precious. Every year since then I have visited his grave on or near this date (the actual anniversary of his birth and death was yesterday but we couldn't go yesterday so we went today instead). Though we ourselves have no children buried there, it has become a time for me to remember our babies who died before they were born, and a place to pray for all those I know who have lost children.

If our twins had lived they would be 8 months old now and my life would be very different than it is. I miss them terribly. I am also grateful for the time I've had this summer to focus on each of our children's strengths and needs, to prepare for our school year and the excitement I feel at getting started again. I know that prep time would not have been available were the twins still with us. Such mixed emotions.

I am learning that a grand mixture of emotions can (and does!) co-exist at the same time surprisingly well. Sorrow and joy, pain and comfort, discontent and acceptance. In fact, sorrow makes the joy more intense, pain makes the comfort more genuine, and a feeling of discontent makes the acceptance that comes more meaningful. I have some longings that may never be fulfilled, but at the same time I have intense gratitude for my family and for each day of life that God grants us to enjoy one another. God is very gracious indeed, and so very patient. There is still so much I don't understand but I know that God is. And that's enough.

To my friend S, if you're reading this, I love you. I miss you. I am praying for you and thought of you especially yesterday and today. May God comfort all those with hurting hearts.