We have a children's board book titled, "We're Going on a Bear Hunt." It was a favorite of our children when they were little, and I really liked it too because it was filled with really great adjectives (no those aren't very good adjectives, make that "rich, descriptive adjectives"!) and had a repetitive chorus to it that was easy to remember and fun to say. It starts like this:
We're going on a bear hunt.
We're going to catch a big one.
What a beautiful day!
We're not scared.
Long, wavy grass.
We can't go over it.
We can't go under it.
Oh no, we've got to go through it.
Then followed some really fun word to represent the sound they made as they went through the grass, "swishy swashy." On the next page would be another obstacle, followed by the repetitive "we've got to go through it" chorus, followed by some other really fun word to represent the sound they made as they went through that obstacle. In the end they actually found a bear, realized it was big and scary, and ran home, going through all the obstacles very quickly in reverse order, and ended up huddled in bed together under the covers. Then they all loudly declared, "We're not going on a bear hunt AGAIN!"
It was a very fun book to read.
Much harder to live.
I haven't blogged in a long time mostly because I don't know what to say. How much to say. What words to use. How honest to be. It is much easier to just post pictures of a birthday party than to talk about life.
In reality, I am slogging through right now. It's not all bad, and there are happy moments, but it's mostly slogging. God made it very clear that adding daughter H to our family was His idea. I do not wish it different. I love her and becoming her mom makes me very happy. But it's also really, really hard. And there's no going over it, or going under it. She and I have got to go through it.
Some days she accepts me as her mom. Other days she doesn't. Some days she is obedient and respectful. Other days not so much. Some days she is loving toward me. Other days she is hurtful. Some days she can get her school work done, completely and well. Other days she cannot do a single thing. I know this inconsistency is pretty normal for all kids. But for her it is extreme, and complicated by all the pain, rejection, loss, and shame she feels from her past. She has patterns of thinking and patterns of behavior that are destructive to herself and those around her. Thirteen years of pattern making is not easily changed.
What gives me great hope is that we are not alone as we go through it. God says, "Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, the Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?" ~ Hebrews 13:5-6
And elsewhere the apostle Paul says, "Since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." ~ Hebrews 12:1-3
Please pray for me, that I will not grow weary and lose heart. That I will say with confidence, the LORD is my helper! That I will persevere as we "get through it."
I don't want to go over it.
I don't want to go under it.
I want to go through it, and end up safely at home.