A Hard Week

A couple weeks ago in MOPS, we had a christian counselor talk to us about anxiety. She shared her professional insight into what it is and what it is not, how to combat anxiety, and how to saturate our minds with the truth (including God's truth in the Bible). It was a well done talk and it turned out to be very timely for me because I had a day of intense anxiety this week over our unemployment situation. I allowed my eyes to wander off of Jesus and dwell for awhile on all the "what ifs". That in turn caused me to be short with my family. I was a bad wife and a bad mommy and a bad teacher that day, which made me feel guilty. And the guilt spread to every area of my life where I am not performing to my own high standards (not to mention God's!). And so the spiral went. Marriage, parenting, teaching, ministering, being a friend. In all those areas I heard the "you're not good enough" message in my head over and over. You know that emotional ride that spirals ever downward? Yeah, that one. I was stuck on it for awhile. Ugh. It is a bad, bad ride.

The day we decorated our Christmas tree was also the day I was overwhelmed with missing our little twins. If they had lived they would be turning 2 this month. Decorating the tree all together, unwrapping our favorite ornaments and hearing the children say, "oh I remember this one!" and "this is the one I love the best!" was very, very sweet. It made me sad that our little twins were missing it. I truly would not wish them back from heaven, but there is a part of my mama's heart that still misses the opportunity to raise them. When I hung their memorial ornament on the tree I had to excuse myself and go cry in the bathroom for a few minutes. (I do love and miss all the babies we have lost before they were born, but the twins are unique in that they came AFTER all our other children. Our last two children were born inbetween several miscarriages, and would not be here if those babies had lived.)

So.

It was a tough week, emotionally.

God, in His ever loving and ever tender way, saw that I needed encouragement and He showed His grace in such amazing ways to me this week.

First of all, we had an awesome church service last Sunday, really focusing on the majesty and kingship of Jesus. I had goosebumps and felt awe throughout the entire service. When I focus on who Jesus is, who He REALLY is: King of Kings! .....how can I but bow before Him in awe? All of the problems that so consume us humans are just teeny tiny compared to His splendor and power. Oh if I could only keep my eyes fixed on Him at all times!

Then a few days later we received an encouraging letter and an unexpected financial gift from my parents. I can imagine how difficult it is for them as parents to see their children go through trials. I know this is in our parenting future as well. Just as parenting will not end when our children leave home, the need to trust them to God will never end either. In fact, in many ways, I suspect this need will be even greater when our children are adults! With our authority, responsibility and control greatly minimized, but our love for them and concern for their well being ever growing, the need to trust God for them will grow as well. Thank you mom and dad, for this gift, and for trusting us to the One who loves us even more than you do.

A couple days later I received a package in the mail from a dear friend. She instructed me to first read these words from Matthew 6 before opening:

"Look at the birds of the air, they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"

Inside the package was a beautiful ornament meant to remind me of God's faithfulness. It brought me to tears to think of how much God loves us. Thank you so much my friend for this loving reminder to keep my eyes on Jesus and to rest in His love and faithfulness. Everyone, is this ornament not perfect?


As if this were not enough encouragement, this morning in church I was handed an envelope that felt mysteriously fat (for those of you who are detail oriented, I started this post on Friday, so it is dated Friday, but I finished and posted it on Sunday). Inside was a lovely handstamped card, with a very encouraging note and a large cash gift. I was overwhelmed again! Truly, we are so undeserving of this outpouring of God's love and grace. But again, that's why it's called grace. Isn't it wonderful that our God is a God of grace??! I am humbled and thankful. Though today's financial gift is a great blessing, it isn't even really about the money. It's another reminder that God has not forgotton us. He is with us. Emmanuel. Like the boots a couple weeks ago, it is another kiss from God.

Okay God, I got the message loud and clear! Thank you for being patient with me and remembering that I am dust. Thank you for revealing Yourself to me in big and small ways. At this time of year especially, it is causing me to reflect on the meaning of your name Emmanuel. How incredible that You, You, are with us! Help us to be faithful to You in the daily things. To remember that ultimately we answer to You. Help me, as the emotional center of our home, to keep my eyes on You and to speak only your truth to our children. Please Lord, let your peace cover us and let us rest in You. We love you Lord. Amen.