Life is Hard, but God is good (part 2)

For any new blog readers, you may want to read part 1 first. And this update from a month ago.

I have been unsure exactly how much detail to share on my blog, since this is after all, the internet, and I have not wanted to open myself up to criticism or condemnation (plenty of that circulating already!). But we are at a critical juncture and since most of my readers are people who know me and love me anyway, I have decided to share a little more specifically how you can pray for us.

It seems at times as if I live two lives. The surface life is the one where I play with and read to the children, prepare meals, do laundry, plan birthday parties, and do all the other daily tasks a stay at home mom does. The other life, the one underneath the surface, is the one where I wonder what we will do if we lose the house (where will we go? how hard will it be to start over? what kind of witness will that be to the neighbors?), where I pray continually for my husband's ability to cope with long term under-employment, where I am trying to plan all meals for 7 people on $50 a week. It's where I cry out to God, and cling to Him, and beg Him to open my eyes so I don't miss the lesson He wants to teach us in this trial.

Through God's grace and the incredible generosity of His people, we were able to meet our financial obligations in the initial months following my husband's layoff. Time and time again, God provided just what we needed, when we needed it. I am still in awe of the ways He cared for us and continues to care for us! There is no way we could ever express our gratitude to the people God used to meet very real needs in our life and to show us God's love. As the gifts poured in each week, I struggled a bit with finding the balance between "expecting" God to provide and preparing for when the gifts ceased. If I prayed with faith, shouldn't I expect Him to answer? But on the other hand, wouldn't it be a tad presumptuous to always expect God to miraculously provide? Could He, at some point, choose to provide another way, or choose not to provide monetarily in order to give us something more than money? Would it be demonstrating a lack of faith if I prepared myself for the possibility of the financial gifts ending? But would it be demonstrating a lack of submission to His authority if I didn't?

I have wrestled with these spiritual issues, and still wrestle with them. I don't have it all figured out. But the bottom line is, I know that God loves me and that He is in control. That is where the buck always stops. And in the larger sense, I don't worry about our house. Our house belongs to the Lord and what He chooses to do with it is up to Him. It's just a house. Wood and bricks. Drywall. Paint.

In the dailyness, however, I have definite feelings about it. I don't want to move. I don't want to be forced out. I want the opportunity to fix all the little things that need fixing and then ENJOY them while we continue to live here. I don't want to have to sort and pack. Or heaven forbid, sell off our things. It would be embarrassing and inconvenient and just downright hard work. I want to be busy planning our next school year, not planning what else we can get rid of in order to fit into an apartment.

The truth of the matter is that we have run out of money. And there is not enough coming in to cover our expenses every month. I cannot feed our family for any less, or cut any more expenses, or delay any more medical exams or repairs. Not enough to make a difference, anyway. There is just not enough money to go around. Therefore we made the difficult decision to apply for a forbearance on our mortgage. This is handled differently by different lenders, but is basically a specified period of time during which payments are suspended. Some lenders tack on the missed payments to the end of the loan, while others increase the payment amount for a while until the missed amount is "caught up". It sounds great upfront, but there are risks involved. Because the lender has already given special consideration, continued inability to pay could lead to foreclosure much easier than without a forbearance. Sometimes it negatively impacts your credit score (and surprisingly, sometimes not). This is like a bandaid for our situation, but not the cure. Because cash flow may continue to be an issue for quite a while, and we have no guarantee that we will have a better ability to pay our mortage AFTER the forbearance period is up than we do now, we feel alot of uncertainty about the future.

On a personal level, I am wrestling with how to practice Philippians 4:6 ~ Do not be anxious about anything. It doesn't say, "do not be anxious about the big things but feel free to worry about the small stuff", nor does it say, "oh, don't sweat the small stuff but by all means worry about the BIG things!" It says do not be anxious about anything. Anything! I am not doing that well right now. I admit I am anxious. Some days I am not very anxious, and some days I am very anxious. Some days it's the big issue of the house that gets to me, and other days it's the small things like new sandals for Little Man (which we finally got yesterday, by the way, so now his toes no longer hang off the ends of his too small sandals!). How I long to live and rest in the truth of that verse all the time!

Please pray:

that Philippians 4:6 will be true in my life

that our lender will be willing to work with us in a way that uniquely fits our situation

that God will provide the means to pay off our debts (it is a wonderful thing to be able to pay off ones debt!)

that God will help us to keep our eyes fixed on HIM

that God will help us to persevere with joy

that God will provide my husband a full time job that adequately provides for our needs

that He will open the door to the right part time job for me, one that fits our schedule and has the least negative impact on our family

that we can parent well during this time, focusing on the majors and trusting our children and their future to God in new ways

that He will be glorified in this situation, and that when people look at us, they will see HIM


Thankyou, so much, for standing with us in love and prayer. That means more than I can express. My mother shared something really profound with me recently from a Beth Moore study on Daniel she has been doing, and I'd like to paraphrase it for you all (with my apologies to Beth Moore).

Sometimes God delivers you from the fire, and the dividend is your faith is grown.

Sometimes God delivers you through the fire, and the dividend is your faith is refined.

Sometimes God delivers you to the fire, and the dividend is your faith is perfected.

Please pray that our faith will be refined through this fire, and we will come forth shining as gold. Thank you, friends.