Heavy

For the last couple weeks I have been pondering some heavy things. Some of them too hard to adequately describe with words. It is much easier to post pictures of my children, or the list of books I read last year, than to wrestle with thoughts and words related to heavy topics. It is also much harder to trust and have hope when you're starting from a place of discouragement. But that is when they are most important, no?

While I don't want to wallow in my feelings, I do want to be honest. I am really down right now. How are we going to continue paying the bills without a job? Will my foot (and from the constant limping, now other parts of my body) always hurt? What if something catastrophic were to happen, what would happen to our children? We have been living on the edge for so long, I am just really weary. The stress of our situation has begun to affect me physically. Every single "human" plan we want to have in place for the future, including taking care of health issues, requires money. We were able to accomplish a few things during the last year of employment, but it doesn't seem like "enough."

I hear God asking me, "Pam, do you trust me?" And I answer, "Yes, I trust You. Help me trust You more." And then He says, "if you trust me, then why are you still afraid?" And I am faced with the reality that perhaps I don't really trust Him. Not completely. He, who is fully trustworthy, and loving, and good, the Creator and Sustainer of the Universe, He who is full of compassion and mercy, and who has shown Himself to always be faithful ~ how could I not completely trust Him?

I can, of course. And I do. Over and over and over. With scripture, truth words read aloud, heart felt prayers, combined with those of my husband. And now I am asking you to pray also. When the Lord brings me to mind, please pray for perseverance in practicing trust. For peace. For hope rooted in God. For spiritual eyes that keep looking at Jesus and see things as He sees them. I believe this is a spiritual battle, and I must fight it with spiritual weapons. But I also need to do the practical things that will help my body cope with the stress. I appreciate the prayers of my loved ones so much. "Thank you" seems so small. But thank you.

This I know:

God loves me.
He is in control.
Nothing happens in this world that is bigger than He.
He loves my children more than I do.
His nature is faithful. He cannot be unfaithful.
His thoughts and ways are higher than mine.
His plans are for my good.
I am precious to Him. He dances over me with singing.
He is stronger than any evil, any fear, any thought of man.
Because of Jesus' blood, He does not condemn me.
I can draw near to Him.
He is a strong tower.
He is my defense.
His Word is my offense.
He is God and I am not.