Fear

For years, when my nervous reactions prompted questions, I would quietly tell people, "I have a thing with water". The truth is, I am afraid of water. Very, very afraid. Specifically, dark murky water where you can't see the bottom, and the possibility that one of my children will go under and get lost down there and drown and never be seen again.

There. I said it.

When I was 8 and my sister was 9, we had a near drowning experience that has stayed with me vividly all these years. It was in dark, murky water, and though I was rescued fairly quickly by a stranger (whom I have silently thanked many times over the years) my sister was "lost" for several moments before my dad saw her dark hair floating on the top of the water and was able to drag her to shore by her hair. Ever since then I have had a love/hate relationship with water. I did learn to swim after this experience, but I have never been a strong swimmer, and I'm in such poor shape right now that I doubt I could swim one pool length without getting extremely out of breath (unless maybe your pool was only 20 feet across!). I love boat rides, and looking at beautiful scenery involving water. I love wading in shallow water or walking on sandy beaches that have a veeeeeeeery long, gradual slope. But I don't love swimming, and I especially dislike swimming in lakes and rivers. And the ocean???? With big pounding waves and undercurrents? Don't get me started........

Of course, because God has such a wonderful sense of humor, both my sister and myself married men who love the water, are strong swimmers, and love boating and skiing. So it's a part of my life and I have had to learn to live with it. I thought that I had dealt with this fear and, as an adult, put it to rest forever.

But then I became a mom.

A mom of 5 children in 7 years.

Whenever we are around water now, I am constantly doing head counts and listening to adult conversation with only one ear and about half my attention. It's not quite so bad at pools because I can clearly see if someone is under, but at the cottage where the water is murky, I am hyper vigilant. Because most people don't even know about this fear (until now!) or understand it, I trust very few people to watch my children around water except for my hubby. And I have to say that I am so, so, so, so grateful for him, because he has always been extremely patient with me and this fear of mine. He takes it seriously and has never said or done anything to put me down or that makes me doubt my trust in him.

Well, our son L went missing for about half an hour on the 4th of July. No-one knew where he was, several people said, "I just saw him _____", but he wasn't in any of those places, and I began to worry "what if?" The last place we had seen him was in the water, and then suddenly he just wasn't there. I searched the cottage. Every room. I searched the next door cottage belonging to some relatives. I searched the backyard, the sideyard, the path to the candy store. Nothing. Someone said he was with cousin Garrett, but then I found Garrett and L wasn't with him. Then someone said he was with second cousin Zachary. I found Zachary and L wasn't with him. By now I was just about in full blown panic mode. My mind went immediately to the river. Because that is one of my biggest fears, my mind just couldn't go anywhere else. And where else was there to look?

Several others began looking, and my hubby came over to the houses and began calling his name in that special "dad" voice. I went to the dock and looked down the river, sure that he was drowned and carried away by the current. I kept saying "Jesus please help us, Jesus please help us" over and over and over. It was absolutely horrifying, and I'm crying now as I type this.

My hubby found him behind the houses. On the railroad tracks looking for snakes with a third cousin he had never met before that day (and we all know how much safer railroad tracks are than water!!). I sobbed with relief. I felt so drained after that. I was completely emotionally exhausted. I wanted to hold him and never let him go, but there were lots of other children present so I restrained myself.

Last year we had all our children wear life jackets whenever they were swimming at the cottage, just for my peace of mind. It made a huge difference. But this year, our daughter has a brand new suit that she doesn't want to cover up with a life jacket (and she is the best swimmer anyway), and the next two don't want to wear life jackets when others who are younger than they are, are not. They don't want to look like "babies." Understandably. So I am having to release some more control (as if I ever really had it to begin with) and give them a little more freedom in this area. Thankfully, our 6 year old loves to wear his lifejacket. He thinks it is practically part of his suit! And our 3 year old doesn't have a choice. But of the older 3 who no longer wear one, L is by far the weakest swimmer.

Close friends who know my story have told me that it's "understandable" to be afraid given my near drowning experience as a child, and I agree that it's understandable. But it is also true that God has not given me the spirit of fear. So I ask myself, as long as there is this huge area of fear in my life, how can I be completely filled with the Lord's spirit? I am doing a Bible study on the word "fear", and am trying to speak God's truth to my mind at every opportunity. If the Lord brings me to mind, would you please pray for me in this area? I think it is not only about fear, but also about control of my children's safety. This is an illusion, of course, but it's an illusion I am really attached to. I am consciously, and repeatedly, offering my children back to the Lord, putting my trust in Him for their safety and their future, while praying to trust Him more.

We are going to the cottage for a whole week as our family vacation this year. In some ways that will be easier since it will be just us (kids get lost more easily in a crowd), but in some ways it will be hard because it will be a whole week of being at the river virtually all day long. I really want to strike the balance between being careful and vigilant but not paranoid and irrational. I'm still looking for that line. And meanwhile, thanking the Lord for His protection over my children. And His tender, longsuffering with me. And looking forward to swim lessons for all the children!