The children and I visited a cemetery today. It is where the baby of a dear friend is buried, who died at 18 weeks gestation. Less than a year later they moved out of state, so on the first anniversary of his birth/death we went to the cemetery in their stead. We placed flowers and a balloon on his grave, and sat in a circle around the marker and shared prayers. The children say such childlike prayers. It is very precious. Every year since then I have visited his grave on or near this date (the actual anniversary of his birth and death was yesterday but we couldn't go yesterday so we went today instead). Though we ourselves have no children buried there, it has become a time for me to remember our babies who died before they were born, and a place to pray for all those I know who have lost children.If our twins had lived they would be 8 months old now and my life would be very different than it is. I miss them terribly. I am also grateful for the time I've had this summer to focus on each of our children's strengths and needs, to prepare for our school year and the excitement I feel at getting started again. I know that prep time would not have been available were the twins still with us. Such mixed emotions.
I am learning that a grand mixture of emotions can (and does!) co-exist at the same time surprisingly well. Sorrow and joy, pain and comfort, discontent and acceptance. In fact, sorrow makes the joy more intense, pain makes the comfort more genuine, and a feeling of discontent makes the acceptance that comes more meaningful. I have some longings that may never be fulfilled, but at the same time I have intense gratitude for my family and for each day of life that God grants us to enjoy one another. God is very gracious indeed, and so very patient. There is still so much I don't understand but I know that God is. And that's enough.
To my friend S, if you're reading this, I love you. I miss you. I am praying for you and thought of you especially yesterday and today. May God comfort all those with hurting hearts.
3 comments:
the Lord brought you and your twins to mind twice in the past week. and now, i read this.
yes - He is faithful.
yes - He makes no mistakes.
yes - He is utterly trustworthy.
and yes - life on planet earth can hurt.
i'm so thankful that you have the promise and hope of a joyful reunion one day.
to your friend S... i don't know you, but i offer my heartfelt prayers on your behalf tonight.
How sweet to do this for your friend. I'm sorry about your twins. I lost my first baby. I guess that's a grief and gratitude for me, because if that baby had been born, I wouldn't have the oldest today. Praying for grieving hearts...
Laurie
I think of you and pray for you often!
I understand the grand mixture of emotions and just love what you wrote..."In fact, sorrow makes the joy more intense, pain makes the comfort more genuine, and a feeling of discontent makes the acceptance that comes more meaningful."
Thank you so much for your honesty!
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